Baby Time Bomb

Not pregnant.

2012-01-19T13:26:00.000-08:00

Got my bloodwork results back. If I hadn't already instinctively known I was not pregnant, the nurse's tone of voice on the phone would've given me instant confirmation. My beta was negative.

<---beer in hand as I type, hot tubbing later tonight, caffeinated coffee for breakfast tomorrow!

Next up for me is 6 months off the TTC-go-round, an all-inclusive vacation to Jamaica in July, paying off TTC debt, and losing the weight I've put on in the last 2 years due to stress and drugs. After that, I may move on to donor embryos or back to the foster/adopt plan. I can't afford to try again with my own eggs.

Not sure how much, or if, I'll be posting here on the blog in the upcoming weeks/months. Thanks to all of you for your support thus far. This truly has been a great community of ladies.

Baby dust to you all.

No Symptoms, Again

2012-01-16T18:54:00.000-08:00

The title says it all. I decided to POAS this morning, and got a BFN. It is 6dp6dt (so, 12dpo), which could still be early, but...no symptoms. I'm just not feelin' it.

Already starting to research about donor embryos. Sigh.

Transfer Report

2012-01-10T18:42:00.000-08:00

Hi, all.

Just a quick message to say that transfer went fine today. My one embaby thawed fine (97% of cells intact) and was expanded 80% by the time it was transferred. My E2 was fine, but my progesterone was a little low, so I'll be upping the dose on that.

Pregnancy test in 9 days. Will update you if anything interesting happens in the meantime.

Tomorrow is the Big Day

2012-01-09T18:56:00.000-08:00

Well, I've been so busy this week getting ready for my trip to the clinic, that I haven't had time to update my blog on the latest tidbits of news.

My progesterone bloodwork came back just fine earlier this week (I can't remember the number, but it was rising, which was what they want to see).

I also got a tarot reading for fertility over the phone from a friend of a friend. Can't say I was too impressed with her, but I'll pass on the results here anyway, with just a statement or two of what each card was supposed to mean in this context.

1. Emotional/Psychological aspects for the mother: 7 pentacles (upright). "You are waiting and getting frustrated, but don't give up or be discouraged. You can overcome your challenge if you are determined and face it head on."

2. Physical aspects for the mother: The Sun (reversed). "In its reversed position, the Sun is sinking. You are feeling your age; afraid the sun (provider of life and light) is sinking on your fertility."

3. Father's mental aspect: Page of wands (reversed). "He may not be ready to be a dad, or he may be wary about it. Having a baby is such a big thing, and it may be overwhelming for him." (ED: Apropos, given the situation. It took Drew two months to decide to move forward with this, plus he's only going to be involved in a limited fashion if we're lucky enough to have a baby in the end.)

4. Father's physical aspect: High Priestess (upright). "He has all the tools needed for a successful pregnancy."

5. Will of the unborn child: Nine of swords (reversed). "This is the 'nightmare' card, but luckily it's reversed. [ED: Huh?] Take care of emotional issues and other problems before becoming pregnant. Don't ignore your problems; you can't take care of a baby until you are well yourself." Looking at this again, maybe this has something to do with fate. Maybe now I am in a better place to have a child after the stress of losing two close family members this fall.

6. Likely outcome in the forseeable future: Justice. "This is promising. It's a card about adjustment. Deal with your issues and you'll find the outcome you're looking for. You'll get what you need, not what you want."

Anyhoo, like I said, I didn't feel like she was a great interpreter, but the cards themselves are always interesting. If anyone has any insight, please feel free to share.

And yes, tomorrow is the Big Day. I have my acupuncture at 10:45 then my transfer at 12:30 (Mountain time). Please be holding me in your thoughts with positive vibes and warmth!

I am all ready for my 2 days of bedrest. Stocked up on groceries, juices, and bottled water; got a smutty trash novel PLUS the latest George RR Martin book to read (at a hefty 1,000+ pages); and Drew is arriving this evening to be my caretaker. He will be driving me to/from my appointments, and hanging out during the bed rest period to make sure I don't need anything.

One thing that has truly been impressed upon me during this last (nearly) two years of TTC is this: Drew truly is a great guy and a loyal, caring friend. He has really proven himself in all the ways that count, and no matter what happens, I am truly glad and thankful that he decided to take this journey with me.

I'll try to update the blog after 2 or 3 days. My pregnancy test should be about 10 days after the transfer, so we should know one way or another in the next two weeks. It is hard to believe that all this time and effort is finally coming to a close, for better or for worse. I am hoping, praying, and doing my best to believe that it will be for the better.

And so, HERE GOES NOTHING!

FET in 7 days!

2012-01-04T20:21:00.000-08:00

Hi, all. Very quick update after being away for the holidays and vacation. I am having my embryo transfer on Tuesday, Jan. 10. I have one genetically normal frozen embie to thaw and transfer. Please keep your fingers crossed for me and send me lots of good mojo and warm thoughts over the next few weeks.

Preliminary results leading up to my FET have been good. My first estrogen draw was 43 (they like to see 50, so they upped my patches), then my second draw was 423 (they want over 300, so this was "great" according to the nurse). My lining is also looking very good, at 10 mm.

We're coming into the home stretch...I sure as hell HOPE!

I did another online tarot reading tonight, and it was overall very positive. In fact, one of the six cards I turned up was the Sun, with the explanation, "You may experience a few delays on your quest for success and achievement but don't worry, you'll get there in a blaze of glory. Success may go to your head a little so a little modesty wouldn't go amiss. Other than a few minor delays, look forward to a period of joy and happiness. If you are experiencing problems with conceiving a baby, The Sun often heralds good news around children and a much wanted pregnancy or birth of a longed-for baby."

I've also been noticing a number of 111s and 1111s over the last few days, including three exits numbered 111 on our vacation drive of 15 hours (I happened to look up three times and my eye fell on the number 111). Let's hope these are a few good signs for me. I've never thought of myself as superstitious, but I guess I will take whatever I can get at this point!

One...is the Loneliest Number

2011-12-08T12:04:00.000-08:00

One lonely embryo. Of my six beautiful blasts, only one lonely embryo (the 3BB) tested normal for all the necessary chromosomes.

Wow. I am feeling a little sucker-punched right now. I guess I was really hoping for at least two. One normal embryo gives me a 60% chance of live birth at my clinic. $30K for a 60% chance. Wow.

I know one is better than none, but still, it's scary to literally put all your eggs (or should I say "egg") in one basket. The 3BB was not my best blast by a long shot. In fact, it was #5 of 6 on the totem pole:

Embryo #1 (3BB) - NORMAL
Embryo #2 (4BB) - missing chromosome 16
Embryo #3 (5BA) - extra chromosome 16
Embryo #4 (n/a) - not tested (did not make blast stage)
Embryo #5 (n/a) - not tested (did not make blast stage)
Embryo #6 (2/3) - extra chromosome 9, missing chromosome 10
Embryo #7 (4AB) - extra chromosome 22
Embryo #8 (4BB) - missing chromosome 22

I guess we will see what happens with the FET, currently scheduled for Jan. 10. It will be bumped back by 1-3 days probably, depending on when my lupron gets here.

One positive outcome from the results, though, is this: if I had had a fresh transfer (like I wanted), they would've put back the two "best-looking" embryos, which would have been the 5BA and the 4AB--both abnormals. By not having the fresh transfer, I have been spared the pain of another miscarriage (or, the difficulty of raising a child with special needs as a single mom). For this, I am truly thankful for the CCS testing and very glad I decided to go ahead with the genetic testing study, even though it was a stressful process.

"Today or Tomorrow"

2011-12-06T13:03:00.000-08:00

That's the latest update from my nurse on when I'll have news about my CCS results. Sigh. Yesterday when she emailed me, she said they were hunting down the results "right now." Theoretically, I needed to order my meds tonight in order to get them in time to start taking them on Thursday (they come by mail order). I guess I can still order tomorrow *if* I don't have to take them first thing Thursday morning, or *if* they can tweak my calendar a bit and still maintain my January transfer date.

I am so tired of this WAITING! Get ON with it already, laboratory!!!

I hope to be updating you all soon, one way or the other.

Dream Time: The Elephant(s) in the Room

2011-12-04T07:45:00.000-08:00

Hi, all.

I have been swamped in such a morass of blackness lately that it has been hard to try to be positive or look for hopeful signs. It is only with one tiny, weak spark of positivity that I am posting about a dream I had last night...mostly to try to get back into the habit of being positive, rather than because I can allow myself to believe that a good omen might actually be coming my way for a change.

The dream: I'm wandering through the hallways of an unknown but popular aquarium/indoor zoo with my sister. Mostly, it's fish in tanks, which I'm not interested in at all in the dream. However, there is also a section of baby animals upon entering the zoo-like part of the building. The first enclosure I'm drawn to has a good crowd around it...mostly children, who are hoping to pet the animals inside. I look over to see that the animals are two baby white elephants, which are keeping themselves apart from the crowd and just chilling along the back wall. (The enclosure is only surrounded by a very low wall, about 6 inches high, made of mud/daub, so it's more like a petting area.) As I step up next to the wall and kneel down, the two tiny elephants get up and immediately come over to me. They are so small; about the size of medium dogs. They come over right in front of me, both gazing up at me. One lifts its trunk for me to caress, and the other flops down for me to stroke its side and belly. They are both covered with soft, white fur (not fuzzy, but like a short-haired cat-type fur). I pet them and smile down at them. The elephants only interact with me this way, not with anyone else in the crowd. (Of possible relevance: although the elephants seem to be the same size and age, they do not look identical to me; I think they are siblings but not identical twins.) The dream ends by my sister and I finding our way out of the building through an exhibit called "Discovery Reef," which we do not stay to peruse. (It's also the name of an exhibit at our local zoo, which I go to a few times a year and enjoy.)

Interpretation: Upon waking, my first thought was that white elephants are signs of good luck in some cultures, and that elephants are supposed to bring luck in fertility in other cultures. So, I did a bit of research this morning.

In Buddhist tradition, Queen Maha Maya had a dream of a white elephant, which was a portend that she would give birth to the Buddha. This is particularly intriguing to me since I've studied a good bit about Buddhism, and also because one of my top choices for a girl name is Maya. (I had no idea the name was connected with this story until today.)
Here's also a short (grammatically incorrect) write up I lifted from a feng shui website: The Elephant has many blessings in Feng Shui. A pair of elephants with auspicious wordings "hung fook" on them signifies many blessings and contentment of the family. This pair of elephants will protect the household and brings infant luck to those who are wishing for babies. Elephant also take away troubles and is a protective symbol. Elephant is a sacred animal in Thailand and India, and is used to represent loyalty, wisdom, longevity and elegance. They are auspicious symbols of good luck and excellent fortune. Best gift for couples who are newlyweds or wishful of having their own kids. ~This is actually not the first time I've heard of elephants as symbols for fertility; I've had an elephant charm hanging from the foot of my bed for many months now.
Finally, from another website about shamanism and power animals: The Hindu god Ganesh, the remover of obstacles, has the head of an elephant. I had read previously about placing a statue of Ganesh next to my bed to remove impediments, but I haven't had a chance to look for one yet. I've been intending to, though...maybe it's time.
Of course, the other implication of "white elephant" is a gift that nobody wants, but I'd rather not think about that. (ha ha)

Anyway, I found this dream unusual and interesting. I'd like to think that the two elephants represent my two future children reaching out to me, to let me know they are near and will be with me soon.

One recurring debate I've had with myself has been whether I would be able to handle two children if I became pregnant with twins. It's been a real worry, for many reasons: I'm single and doing this on my own; I run my own business from home and will need to continue to do so; and of course, finances. It will be hard enough to be a single mom with just one, not to mention two babies. On the other hand, it would be great to have siblings. Realistically, though, even if I have a successful FET (frozen embryo transfer) end up having a singleton plus extra frozen embryos, I don't think I would have a second FET later in order to have a sibling. I think I'm probably only going to be able to do this once. I don't think I want to be pregnant an age much older than I am now (based on my personal health history, level of energy, etc.). So, having twins up front would, in a way, be a blessing (even though it would be difficult), since it takes care of the sibling question in a single pregnancy. NOTE: Twins are VERY common at my clinic for women who've had the same procedures/tests I've had. For women who have had FETs of two normal embryos, 40% of them have had twins. I am still waiting on the results of my CCS (genetic) testing to find out whether I have any normals. If I do, the plan is to transfer two if I have them (or just one, if that's all I get).

So anyhoo, there you have it. Any comments or other interpretations?

Punched in the Gut by Life Again

2011-12-03T09:24:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my grandmother's funeral. I have never experienced anything as awful as seeing my mother lose her husband and her mother in the same month.

As if that wasn't enough, my [sarcasm] wonderful [/sarcasm] brother provoked a huge family fight last night.

No news yet on my CCS results, either.

Such a shitty day. I may as well WORK.

Infertility Charm Giveaway Contest

2011-11-27T07:56:00.000-08:00

Hello, all.

I am reposting a blog by a friend from the blogosphere, SingleMom2B (who I was lucky enough to meet when I traveled to my clinic in October). She is having a giveaway to raise awareness of the new Pomegranate Charms, which were developed by two women on an infertility support board I belong to. Please check out the post and the charms--they are lovely!

******************************** BEGIN POST ***********************************

In the world of infertility, often (far too often) we feel isolated and alone.

Two women were recently discussing this problem and wondering out loud how someone might take a step to better unite the world of infertility? They decided that the community needed a symbol, something that says I get it. A symbol may allow another woman to feel less alone and possibly start a conversation.

Quickly, they got to work and came up with the perfect symbol.

By combining the Pomegranate, the fruit of fertility, and the Chinese symbol for strength, the Pomegranate Charm was born.

They developed a mission:

Uniting women and their friends & families
who have struggled with fertility issues by giving
them a symbol of strength, hope, and support.

And then they formed a non-profit benefiting two infertility related causes. There is minimal overhead and all proceeds from the purchase of a charm, a bracelet, a necklace, a key chain, etc. go towards one of the following causes:

Fertility Research
Deserving women and couples needing financial assistance to receive medical treatment

The charms just became available for distribution less than a month ago. They have already caught on quickly in the areas where they have been introduced with large orders from fertility clinics, acupuncturists and other fertility related specialists, and of course members of the infertility community as well.

The Giveaway! A Pomegranate Charm of your choice.

Entry Rules:

Reblog this full post, including entry rules (please be sure that the links do not break when you copy/paste to your blog)
Leave a comment on my original post (Singlemom2b.blogspot.com dated 11/20/11) along with the link to your post.
On Sunday, December 4 I will draw a winner from all completed entries.

I will announce and contact the winner and ask them to pick out the POM Charm of their choice and I will have it shipped to them.

In the meantime, check out the website for more information. Buy one for yourself, your spouse/partner and give one to a friend who you know is suffering with infertility. Tell your infertility support groups about the POM Charms!

By writing this post and structuring this giveaway, I am trying to do my part to spread the word across my little corner of the IF world. I was not asked or paid to write this post.

Waiting

2011-11-19T16:50:00.000-08:00

Well, I was just reading one of my old posts from August 18...the one in which I announced my decision to try IVF. Little did I know then how quickly the process would unfold, and that only 3 months later, I would be sitting around waiting to get the call about whether any of my embryos are normal or not.

One quote that particularly struck me from my previous entry was this:

"If I retrieve a batch of 10+ eggs and not one of them produces a normal embryo, I will know definitively that my TTC journey is over, and I'll be able to move on."

Well, that's exactly where I sit right now. We retrieved 14 eggs, and we're just waiting to find out the results. If I don't have any normals, though, I don't know how easy it will be to just move on. Things always seem so black and white when you are at the beginning of a process, but they get all gray and murky as you wade into the waters. I do know this: by the time this is all over, I will be both broke and exhausted, so if for no other reason, ending my TTC journey will likely be the most sensible option.

Sigh. I hate waiting.

Tentative Date for Embryo Transfer!

2011-11-18T13:06:00.000-08:00

Hi, all.

I got my tentative calendar for FET (frozen embryo transfer), assuming I get any normals, of course. It looks like I could have a transfer as soon as Jan. 4. I've asked if the date can be pushed back a week or so due to logistics (trying to get bloodwork, etc., done between Christmas and New Years will be difficult due to travel plans).

My nurse also said she would expect me to hear the results of the CCS testing sometime by Dec. 9, though possibly as soon as the end of the month. (I'm not holding my breath on that one; I don't want to be disappointed if the call comes later rather than sooner.)

In the meantime, I'm waiting for my first AF after the egg retrieval to arrive. AF is supposed to show around 10 days after retrieval. Today is day 10, but no sign yet. I figure maybe this weekend. After that, I start birth control pills on day 3 in order to get ready for the transfer. I'll also be taking lupron initially (to stop ovulation). The whole process from CD1 until FET will take about 6.5 or 7 weeks, and will also include:

bloodwork three times (to check progesterone)
one ultrasound (to check my lining)
estrogen patches during the three weeks leading up to the transfer (to thicken the lining)
progesterone supplements during the last week before transfer

After transfer, I'll stay on the estrogen and progesterone for who knows how long...maybe up to 9 weeks, if I recall correctly. The drugs are going to be expensive (sigh), but I guess if I've gone this far, I may as well finish it off right.

More updates to come when I have more news (a refined calendar, CCS results, etc.).

More Embryo News

2011-11-16T09:15:00.000-08:00

Hi, all. I finally got a call back about embie #7, which did not make it. However, I've still got the six to work with, and I'm absolutely thrilled with that! The embryologist said that getting six out of eight was really, really good and an unusually high number (yay). They are graded as follows:

Day 5: 4AB
Day 6: 5BA, 4BB, 4BB, 3BB, and one 2/3 (that's two-thirds; basically, two-thirds early-expanded toward blast; the least developed they can biopsy b/c it has the cell line between the placenta cells and the baby cells)

I'm pretty convinced that my clean-living in the months before retrieval (virtually no alcohol or caffeine, mostly organic foods, lots of yoga and walking) along with the supplements I took made a big difference. (I was on 600mg CoQ10 daily for about 1.5 months before retrieval, 3mg melatonin most days [I use it to sleep anyway; not all the time, but sometimes] and also added in 1000mg alpha lipoic acid, 1000mg acetyl l-carnitine, and 3000mg fish oil, all daily. Plus, of course, a prenatal.)

Now begins the waiting game (again) to find out whether I'll get any normals from the bunch. Keep your fingers crossed for me for an early Christmas present...results should come back in 2 to 4 weeks.

I missed the call!!!! (NEWS at last)

2011-11-14T15:44:00.000-08:00

Can you believe after all that whining, I missed the frickin' call? I went to visit my nephews to take my mind off things and was playing games with them. D'oh! The call went right to voicemail!

The good news is...it's good news! 1 embryo was biopsied on day 5 (I guess that means it made it to blast) and FIVE were biopsied today on day 6! As for little #7, it is still chugging along and they are going to check it tomorrow!

As you can imagine, I am THRILLED, after everything that went wrong during this cycle (from my 102 fever to my father's funeral right in the middle of my monitoring). A sucky, sucky several weeks has at LAST given me some good news! Now I will just have to wait for the results of the CCS...phew! I do feel so much relief, though; my worst fear was that I wouldn't have any embies make it to blast and this whole cycle would have been for nothing.

Thanks so much for all your support and for cheering me on!!! I will catch up with the FET responses/comments tomorrow...must dash off to dinner in a few.

Gah!!! Still no word!!!

2011-11-13T20:13:00.000-08:00

I did not receive a call today from the lab about how my embryos have progressed. Today is day 5 after retrieval, and I was supposed to get a call today. #$*$%*)$(*%!!!!!! You can bet your a$$ I'm going to be on the phone first thing in the morning!!!

The hope that is keeping me going is this: some of my little embies must have made it to day 5. If they hadn't, the lab would certainly have called me with the news that the wait was over. So, they must be waiting to see what happens on day 6...right?

WHY, oh WHY did my day 5 have to fall on a frickin' SUNDAY?!?!? Nobody there to answer the phones, and I don't have the direct line to the laboratory, grr!!!!!

Fertilization Report

2011-11-09T09:03:00.001-08:00

Hi, all.

Quick update. Of the 14 eggs retrieved 8 were mature so they injected them via IMSI. 7 fertilized. The other 6 eggs did not mature and were discarded.

So, 7 is my number. Let's hope it is lucky 7 indeed!

The next step for me is that we will see how many of the 7 make it to the blast stage by day 5 or day 6, and then they will freeze all of the embryos for genetic testing (I fell into the "test" group for the clinical study, so all of my embryos will be frozen). Results from the testing could take as long as 6 weeks. Assuming I have any normals, I could have my frozen transfer about 8 weeks from now, so sometime in January perhaps.

According to the stats for my age group (as I was told by the geneticist), theoretically I might expect 2 or 3 to be normals. We will just have to see how many of the 7 make it to blast, and of those that make it, whether any normals have stubbornly pushed their way to the front of the pack, anxiously awaiting their chance to drive their would-be mama crazy with the joys of motherhood.

I will update you all once I hear how many of my precious embryos have made it to the freeze. Please pray really hard for those little embies!!! This is the only time I'll be able to afford IVF, so if I don't get any normals from this batch, my journey here is over...at least in terms of carrying a baby.

Retrieval results!

2011-11-08T18:17:00.001-08:00

Hi, all.

Just a quick post to let you all know the results of my retrieval today. From the 11 measurable follicles we've been tracking, I managed to spit out 14 eggs. 14, yay!!! It's definitely more than I was hoping for, so I am very happy and excited! Still, it's very likely that some of those won't be mature, since they probably came from follicles that were too small to have produced mature eggs. Anyhoo, they are going to see if any immature eggs mature in the next day or two; if so, they will fertilize them with ICSI/IMSI, and we'll see what happens. I get my fertilization report in the morning, so please say lots of prayers for me tonight that we'll get a big number of eggs that fertilize and that could potentially go on to become viable embryos.

I also just reran the statistics based on some information I was previously told. The geneticist we spoke with was talking about my age category (40-42; I'm 40, so at the lower end of that scale) and said that usually about 80% of the eggs are mature, and then about 50% of those fertilize, and roughly 40% of the resulting embryos are chromosomally normal. My prognosis with 12 antral follicles was thus: 12 eggs (we hope), 9 mature, 4 fertilize, 1 or 2 normals. so, with 14 eggs, retrieved, the numbers might run like this:

Retrieved: 14
Mature: 11
Fertilized: 5 or 6
Normal: 2

I would be *really* happy with 2 normals...so here's hoping I at least meet the average!!!!

Ten Tons of News

2011-11-06T14:52:00.000-08:00

Well, folks, I have a lot to update you on. First of all, let me say that statistically, this is very possibly the Worst Week Ever in the history of my experience. You'll get all the gory details in just a bit.

But first, the good news (and the "just ok" news).

About my medical progress

I've still got 11 follicles, ranging in size from 8.6 to 18, if I recall correctly. I'll be taking the trigger shot tonight at 1 am (oh, goody), then my retrieval is set for noon on Tuesday. I also found out which group I'm going to be in for the clinical study: the "freeze-all," so, no fresh transfer for me. I'm bummed, as the fresh transfer is what I wanted (apparently the opposite of what everyone else in the study wants, lol), but it's probably for the best, given the stress and chaos of my life lately (plus the fact that I've been sick as a dog this week). The nurse guesstimated that of the 11 potential eggs, 6-8 of them would be mature. We'll just have to see how many fertilize then, and how many make it to the day 5 blast stage. I am so wiped out at this point that maybe I won't have the energy to stress about it while I'm waiting around for the day 5 report to come in on the 14th. (Yeah, right.)

I am going to take the holiday season to relax and recover (and maybe lose a few pounds?). I'll also be waiting for the results of the chromosomal testing (could take up to 6 weeks) and then have my frozen transfer. I sure hope they let me schedule it before we get the results, as I am not a patient person, and all these delays really put me to the test.

And now about my crazy, miserable, no good, horrible, terrible, awful week

Sunday, flew to my clinic, three hour nonstop flight away (poking self with needles morning and night)

Monday, 96-year-old grandmother fell and cracked her pelvis, sent to the hospital (now in the nursing home again for the 4th time (?) in the last year)

Tuesday, my father passes away. Sometime around now I realize I'm getting sick with a cold. Much stress figuring out whether I would have to cancel my cycle or miss my Dad's funeral.

Wednesday, still poking myself with needles morning and night, sobbing, and stressing. Get a flight booked, buy clothes for the funeral. Oh yes, and let's not forget the vaginal ultrasounds and bloodwork every other day.

Thursday, my 4-y.o. niece accidentally balls my 10-y.o. nephew while roughhousing playing soccer; he goes to the hospital 2 hours away b/c a testicle got knocked up inside him and would not descend (it has since done so and he
is ok). He and his mother don't get back from the hospital until 8am. Meanwhile, I've got a 101.9 fever, the chills, the sweats and hardly sleep a wink all night.

Friday, get up at 6:15 am, throw up. Another vaginal probe & bloodwork at 6:45 (oh, goody), race off to the airport. 3 hour flight to my hometown, 2.5 hour drive directly to the funeral home for the wake. Get to sleep around midnight after big-mouthed siblings and spouses finally STFU (they were drinking; guess who couldn't participate?)

Saturday, woke up at 3am coughing (remember I got to sleep at midnight?), kept coughing till almost 5am. Was just on the verge of sleeping when 1.5-y.o. nephew starts howling inconsolably for hours. Eventually, the other 4 children in the house wake up and start stomping up and down the hallway in the usual raucous fashion. I am in hell. Manage to dress myself and force some food down, get through the funeral and interment, grab quick lunch with the family, then get back in the car for a 2.5 hrs. drive, 1 hour flight, 1.5 hour layover, 3.5 hour flight, 30 minute drive to friend's house back here at the clinic; dropped into bed at 11:30 pm CMT (1:30 am EST; my body clock time). Oh, yes, I also (for the first time ever) upgraded myself to first class [I was desperate for rest and pampering], and I was served beef that was *green*. Green, people, green. The stewardess was rather snotty when I asked her to take it away and bring me something else. She is very lucky I did not vomit my entire week all over her in a tirade of words and tears; that might have been a guilt trip she never recovered from.

This morning, woke up early (still poking self with needles morning and night) for a vaginal probe and bloodwork first thing. Exhausted, hungry, still coughing, crying in spurts...but at least things are growing well in there.

In summary: DEAR UNIVERSE, I have had e-f*cking-nough of all this hardship!!!!!!!!!!!! Give me a f*cking break already! I am not as tough as you think I am, and one more disaster might just make me have a nervous breakdown.

P..S. Did I mention this is the first time I've had a cold/the flu in, oh, two and a half YEARS?!!!

***THE END***

Dad-saster!!!

2011-11-02T15:54:00.000-07:00

Hi, all. It is with much sadness that I must report the passing of my father on Nov. 1.

The last 24 hours have been very stressful, trying to figure out if I would have to cancel this cycle in order to be able to get home for the funeral. In the end, I will be able to do both. I'll have monitoring on Friday morning, then fly home for the funeral. Saturday, I'll turn around and get on a plane again to come back to the clinic, then monitoring on Sunday morning. It is going to be a crazy 48 hours, to say the least.

Quick update on my progress: I'm doing well on the meds (no major side effects, thank goodness), and my follicles are growing slowly and steadily (that's good). This morning, I had 6 on the right (measuring 13, 12, 11, 9.6, 5, and one that was too small to measure) and 5 on the left (12, 10.5, 9, 9, 7). So, all told, 10 good-sized follicles. The doc is starting me on cetrotide again this evening (and again every morning until I get back on Sunday), which is supposed to prevent me from ovulating (by blocking the LH surge). I've been pretty nervous about the thought of ovulating early and messing up the cycle, but based on how growth has been going, I feel pretty good about everything and think it's going to be fine. My retrieval is tentatively scheduled for Tuesday, Nov. 8. I'm very excited that the time is finally here, despite all the difficulties that have come my way as I've continued on this journey.

PLEASE send all the positive thoughts you can to help me handle the stress and emotion that is sure to come, and to help those follies keep growing in good health.

Mary, Mary Quite Contrary...

2011-10-31T17:41:00.000-07:00

...how do your follies grow?
Here and there
but not everywhere
We'll have to wait to know!

Happy Halloween/Samhain, my friends!

Well, I’ve been in my clinic’s town for less than 24 hours, and a lot has happened already. I had my 2nd ultrasound to check how things are going in there. (The first ultrasound was last Thursday, to make sure I had no cysts and that the ovaries were not active…a “suppression check.” It went well, with 9 noticeable follicles, all at less than 6mm, and “quiet” ovaries. My E2 was 138 and my P4 was 0.4, both good numbers for my clinic. The E2 was elevated a bit, but they expected that because I was on estrogen priming last cycle.)

Anyhoo, my first in-town ultrasound went fine. The technician found 3 follicles on the left (4, 7, 8) and 6 follicles on the right (9, 8, 7, 6, 6, 6). At any rate, the numbers are okay, although I was hoping for more based on my previous antral follicle count of 12. There is still a chance that more may pop up, but if they do, the question is whether they’ll be able to catch up to the others in time for retrieval (in other words, they may produce eggs but those eggs might not be mature enough to fertilize). The technician and my nurse were both happy with the numbers and the fact that the follicles are pretty uniform in size, so we shouldn’t have to worry about having a dominant follicle or two to screw up the cycle. For what it’s worth, my lining measured 6.6 (good) and the triple-stripe pattern was already noticeable (even to my untrained eye), so my lining is also good, should we proceed with a fresh transfer.

Since I am taking part in the clinical study, we won’t know until the day of retrieval whether or not I’m having a fresh transfer or a FET, which would be probably 2 months from now. Even so, I’ve had to make plans accordingly *as if* I’m having a fresh transfer. Logistics have been a real PITA for this…I’ve had to make one plane change already (because AF came early and moved my cycle up by one day), plus I have three different flights scheduled to go back home. My scheduled retrieval is tentatively Nov. 8, so I have a ticket booked for the 11th in case I do not have a fresh transfer (to give me some bedrest time and also a few days leeway if the date gets moved). My 2nd ticket is booked for the 16th, which would be 3 days after a 5-day transfer. (I can’t do a 3-day transfer with the clinical study, so it’s 5-day blasts or nothing…keep your fingers crossed for me!) Then the 3rd ticket is for the 18th, which I had booked before my cycle dates got moved up. I figured I may as well keep it, just in case things run long. You never know. Anyhoo, the good thing is that I can cancel the tickets for both the 11th and 18th and get the money back to use again (they are Southwest fares, so I can reuse the money within the next 12 month). The other ticket, I got with my frequent flyer miles, so no harm/no foul if I can’t use it. I hate to waste the miles, but I like the security of having the ticket available.

On top of the logistics for flights, I’ve had to arrange trips for Drew (the donor), *hoping* to God my cycle goes as planned b/c it’s been tough for him to get the time off work, not knowing the exact dates, and also a trip for a girlfriend of mine who will come into town for 4 days to help me with the fresh transfer if I have one (I am supposed to be on 48 hours of bedrest afterwards if I have one). That ticket, too, will get cancelled if I don’t have the transfer. Somewhere in there, I’ve booked a hotel for the fresh transfer (but not for the retrieval; I’m staying with a friend of a friend, and Drew will also stay here).

Anyhoo, after I got done with my ultrasound and bloodwork this morning (E2 was 246, P4 was 0.16, LH was 2.6; all fine), I managed to meet up with another TTCer from here in Blogland. She was waiting to find out whether or not she’d get a three-day transfer today or not, so it was a bit of a stressful morning for her. I won’t go into further detail, as it’s her story to share if she wishes to, but I’ll simply say that it was really wonderful to meet another of the ladies who populate this strange internet world we’ve created with our blogs, comments, and interactions. I just hope that my results are as good as hers have been so far; of the 8 eggs she had retrieved, all 8 of them fertilized! It sounds like our protocols may have been similar, with slow-growth, so let’s hope that means good things for me producing mature, fertilizable eggs. I’m also hoping that any immature eggs may mature overnight or by IVM (in-vitro maturation), which they do at this clinic. I may have to ask the doc again about that, as I’m not sure it’s standard procedure or can be used by patients in the clinical study.

The other thing I’ve requested for my retrieval is IMSI, rather than ICSI. With ICSI, the laboratory selects healthy-looking sperm and inject them directly into the eggs. With IMSI, they do the same, but using a super-powerful microscope to examine the sperm first for any deformities. Apparently, they sometimes see vacuoles (?, which I believe are miniscule holes in the sperm) or other deformities in the sperm that aren’t apparent when just doing ICSI. It’s not that much more expensive to do IMSI, so I decided to have them add it on to the IVF package.

Based on my numbers this morning, the doctor is keeping my dosage of stimulation meds the same for the next two days, and they are giving me the day off from monitoring tomorrow. (Initially, I was scheduled for appointments every day this week.) So, I’ll be back in on Wednesday for my next check-up. In the meantime, I’ll be taking it easy at my friend’s place, doing some work from my laptop, trying to get in a bit of exercise while the weather is sunny, and just continuing to hope that things will go well. This is really my only shot at IVF, given the costs, so if this doesn’t work, it’s most likely goodbye to TTC for me. Luckily, I haven’t experienced any significant side effects from the meds (I’m on Menopur, Bravelle, dextramethasone, and Lovenox), and the shots have been easy enough to administer. So, I’m grateful for that.

To add to all of this chaos, my father went back into the hospital again this morning (most likely an infection). It really, really sucks to be out of town and inaccessible when my mother may need me, but I just don’t see how I would be able to get home to help without cancelling my cycle and screwing up everything I’ve worked so hard to set into motion. I can’t imagine trying to arrange these trips all over again, and then having to start on the drugs all over again…more delays, more expense. It is a tough situation, as my father is not much aware of what’s going on (so my presence would not really be of a comfort to him in the end, if it came to that), but I still feel like a bad daughter for even considering that other matters might be a priority for me. I guess it would be different if I had no siblings that could help, but I do, and they can, so at least there is that. I am just hoping that this turns out to be a minor hospitalization and that I don’t have to make that decision about whether to choose between my cycle or flying home in the event of something dire happening. Ugh!!!!

I’ll try to update the blog as often as I can in the next week to keep everyone in the loop about what is going on. In the meantime, please send positive thoughts this way! I could use every good vibe I can get.

Tarot Fun

2011-10-21T20:13:00.000-07:00

So you guys know my penchant for finding signs everywhere. I'm not gonna lie, I've been seeing 11:11 everywhere lately (supposedly a sign of support from angels)...I'm almost starting to believe it. ;)

Well, every so often I visit this website that gives you a tarot reading based on a question you ask. My question was:

"Is this IVF going to bring to me a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby?"

And here was the response I got. I'll take it!!!

(Note that there are 6 cards to this reading, each which addresses a different question or perspective.)

Universal 6 Card Spread

Card 1 (The Empress) : How you feel about yourself now »

This is a time for nurturing, material and domestic comfort, a feeling of abundance, harmony, joy and love. A time for motherhood - you may already be pregnant or thinking about motherhood, if female of course! If male, this is a period of joy and abundance for you too - the appearance of The Empress here could also indicate that your mother or mother figure could be of great significance or comfort at this time. This is also a card of creativity so it is a good omen if you are feeling creatively inspired at this time.

Card 2 (The Star) : What you most want at this moment »

The cards suggest that what you most want at this time is some good fortune, a bright and happy future. If you have been ill, suffered bereavement or disappointment in love, your luck is about to change. This is your wish card - it will bring happiness, fulfilment and good health - you may also receive a gift or gifts!

Card 3 (The Hanged Man) : Your fears »

You fear letting go, yet this place of limbo and indecision is not a good place to be. Are you being emotionally blackmailed so you don't go? Don't be the victim. Sometimes we have to have the strength to let go to attract new positive possibilities in our life.

Card 4 (Temperance) : What is going for you »

You are about to enter a period of peace and harmony in your relationship, career or life generally. You will find a way of handling difficult circumstances with calm confidence. Life is flowing at this time enjoy it.

Card 5 (The Chariot) : What is going against you »

Watch out for being too arrogant or letting that ego of yours get over inflated, nobody likes a know it all. Watch that temper too, aggressive bullying behaviour will only set you back. If this doesn't sound like you, beware of someone like this that could set you back. This is a time of movement and change, and conflicts ending in victory, so don't give up.

Card 6 (Wheel Of Fortune) : Outcome »

Expect life to change and quickly. Fate, destiny or synchronicity, call it what you like, positive change and good fortune is evident here. If you have important choices to make trust your intuition. Do you feel that events seem to be evolving without much input from you? If so trust it and go with the flow.

Update - Where to Start?

2011-10-21T13:13:00.000-07:00

OK, *so* much has happened since I last wrote, I'm not even sure where to start. Let me just skip a few steps and start with where I'm at now and where I'm going next, rather than where I've been for the last few weeks.

Yesterday, I started the "estrogen priming" for my IVF cycle. I am taking estrogen pills and cetrotide. This combination is supposed to prime the uterus for the next cycle. No major effects from the estrogen just yet, though I did nearly have a crying jag yesterday at the grocery store for no good reason. The cetrotide shot was fine, too. I iced my belly and stuck it right in. Didn't feel a thing, and no problems so far. (Fingers crossed.) I've been sleepy/slow-thinking all day, but if that's the worst I get from these drugs, I'm good with that.

I continue these meds until Friday (Oct. 28), when I have my first ultrasound of the cycle. (AF should arrive before then; probably early or mid-week.) This is a "suppression check," to make sure I have no cysts leftover from last cycle and to check my E2 and P4 levels.

Oct. 29, I start my stimulation medications (assuming the suppression check went fine).
Oct. 31, I travel to my clinic (out of state). I'll stay there for 2 to 3 weeks, depending (I'm staying with a friend). Beginning on Nov. 1, I'll start having daily ultrasounds and bloodwork to check how the stim meds are affecting me (whether the rate of follicle growth is too fast, slow, etc.).

Nov. 9, tentative egg retrieval. I could have a fresh transfer 3 or 5 days later, or all embryos might be frozen for testing (with a Frozen Embryo Transfer about 2 months later).

So far, logistics has been the hardest part. Trying to get time off work has been difficult for Drew, since he doesn't have a "firm" date to give them (the dates above could always change, depending on how the meds affect me). Also, not knowing when (or if) I'll have a fresh transfer has made booking airline tickets a sheer guessing game. In the end, I went with Southwest due to their flexible change policies and the ability to cancel a ticket and use the money towards a later flight within the same year. (Thank you, Southwest.) We've got Drew slated to be at the clinic from Nov. 6-Nov. 12, so this should hit the window for retrieval, even if it's a few days early or a few days late. Unfortunately, it doesn't keep him in town for long after the procedures. I need to be on bedrest for 24 hours after the egg retrieval (he'll probably be there for that), and then for 48 hours after the transfer (he definitely won't be there for that). I'm trying to arrange to have a friend come stay at that time to help, but again, we don't know when or if I'm actually going to have a transfer. And since she's a lawyer (who just started a new job), it's not that easy for her to just blow off work and come hang out.

Needless to say, figuring this all out has been a bit stressful. I do have to say, though, I've been very proud of how I've really kept on top of all the million details that have to be taken care of, from ordering meds to arranging financing, from scheduling ultrasounds to rounding up a place to stay. I haven't had a logistics challenge like this since 1997 (when I arranged separate week-long site-visits for about 50 trainees all at the same time in a Third World country).

The other thing I've been struggling with is what to do about The Study. Now, while I was initially elated to be admitted to the study, I've since been rethinking it as I've learned more information. The most important fact I've learned is that there is no option to do a 3-day transfer if the embryos aren't looking so hot. No matter what, the embryos have to make it to the day 5 blastocyte stage. This concerns me because there *are* women out there whose embryos just don't make it to day 5, period. (They've found out through multiple attempts at IVF, sometimes spending tens of thousands of dollars to have zero embryos to transfer in the end.) Ultimately, these women end up doing a day-3 transfer in their next cycle, or a day-3 freeze-all to test the embryos and try to find the genetically normal ones to transfer.

In my case, there really won't BE a next cycle. I simply won't have the money for it. So, the cautious side of me is leaning toward NOT doing the study so that I can have a day-3 transfer if it looks like that would be best for the embryos. The other advantage of not doing the study would be that I would be assured of having a fresh transfer, which I would really prefer, deep-down. (Even though there are also advantages to having a FET instead; they are really about even at my clinic in terms of outcome/success rate.) If I don't do the study, it will mean at least another $3-4K in drug costs, plus $1K to freeze any extra embryos. If the fresh transfer doesn't take, I'll have to pay a boatload for the FET, too (about $6K, not including travel costs and possibly not including meds, I can't remember). Plus, I'd be giving up the free chromosomal testing that is included in the study (a $7K procedure). Gosh, looking at the numbers, I once again am just not sure what I should do.

Here's a few more numbers to think about:

40% - the chance my doc gives me of having a live birth from IVF at his clinic (based on my age, test results, and the clinic's expertise), irrespective of the study or genetic testing
12 - resting follicles during my check with the doc (thus, number of eggs expected to be retrieved)
8 or 9 - number of those eggs that will likely fertilize
3 or 4 - number of embryos that will likely make it to day 5 blastocyte stage
1 or 2 - number of embryos that will likely be chromosomally normal (determined through testing)

There have been some women to make it to the day 5 testing stage only to have all of their embryos be abnormal. And there have been some women whose embryos didn't make it to the day 5 stage but which (after testing) were discovered to have been normal.

It's all just a crazy amount of information to think about!!! And topping all this off is, of course, worrying about what happens if I transfer an abnormal embryo (fresh transfer, no genetic testing) and end up with a viable pregnancy. The idea of having a second-trimester termination after amnio is abhorrent to me. Equally, the thought of trying to raise a special needs child seems impossible given my lack of financial resources and lack of a partner to help.

Yes indeedy, could I overthink things any MORE, people? So maybe you can understand why I've been too overwhelmed to blog lately. I've had so much running through my head that I just haven't known what to say or where to start.

Anyhow, despite the extra cost (and how much it will truly hurt my pocketbook), I think in the end, I will mostly likely forgo the study and take my chances that any embryos transferred will be normal. It all seems like a cosmic crapshoot at this point, so I just have to do as much as I can to ensure the best chance of success and hope and pray that my body and the universe cooperate and give me at least one normal embryo to transfer.

Praying, praying, praying, praying!!!!!!!! Please wish me the best, dear readers, and keep everything crossed for me that you can cross. ;)

New Blog Look, and More Posts to Come

2011-10-21T13:11:00.000-07:00

Hi, all.

Stop by and check out my new blog look. No more plain Jane, but still simple to navigate and read.

I will be posting shortly to catch up on everything that's been going on in the last whirlwind of a month, so stand by for further news!

Baby dust to all...

IVF is on the books

2011-10-02T15:01:00.000-07:00

Long time, no post, I know. Sorry, folks...somehow September got sucked down a black hole of busy-ness. Another cycle has come and gone, with AF showing her face again this week. The upshot of this is, I got my IVF calendar and am getting ready to get started with medications in about 3 weeks.

I'll be on an estrogen-priming antagonist protocol. Translation: they're going to pump up my estrogen during the next cycle after I ovulate. Then, they're going to suppress the hell out of my ovaries so that I don't ovulate until they're ready for it. My tentative calendar looks like this:

Oct. 10 ~ probable LH surge
Oct. 20 ~ start estrogen 10 days after LH surge
Oct. 27 ~ AF arrives.
Oct. 28 ~ ultrasound to check for cysts; baseline blood work (E2 and P4 levels)
Oct. 29 ~ start stimulation medications, usually for 10 days. Many ultrasounds & repeated blood work during this time to see how the stims are going and adjust medication as needed.
Nov. 9 ~ tentative egg retrieval date!

After retrieval, I may or may not have a fresh transfer. It depends on which group I fall into for the study (yes, I got into the study, yay!). If I get a fresh transfer, it will happen 3 to 5 days after the retrieval. If not, I'll be in the "frozen" group, and all embies will be frozen for chromosomal testing before transfer. Transfer would probably take place several weeks (or even a few months) later.

So, there's my quick update. Now I'm scrambling to make travel arrangements for myself and Drew (since the clinic is out of state), which is tough to do when you don't have exact dates. I'm just going to try to stay sane in the next several weeks and believe that everything will work out perfectly!

Treatment Decision MADE...next stop, IVFville!

2011-08-18T18:51:00.000-07:00

Hello, ladies.

So much to tell, as it's been a long time since I posted. I will try to do much of it in a nutshell. In brief:

Was ready to try one round of injectables at least, but then...

Had a consult with a new RE at a different clinic (in another state), who went over the statistics of injectables working at my age (only 6-7% chance at age 40; really not worth $3-4K in my opinion), and who told me that...

I would very likely be eligible for a clinical study their clinic is doing (more on this below)...

...so, I decided to skip the injectables and go in for my initial workup at the new clinic (I have not been happy at my local clinic, so ditching them is not difficult for me). Called them on Tuesday to see if they could squeeze me in, booked a flight the same day, and flew out to the clinic yesterday. Spent all day in consultations, labwork, and examinations, including: initial doctor consult, baseline ultrasound and doppler, IVF consult with my assigned nurse, bloodwork for communicables, pap/annual OB exam, *and* a hysteroscopy. For those of you keeping track, that was THREE, count 'em, THREE vaginal examinations. Cheezus!

The (very) good news so far is that my antral follicle count was "good enough," at 12 and my hysteroscopy was clear. In order to qualify for the study, the AFC was pretty much my last hurdle. Now I just have to get my day 3s done again, and if they're the same as they were 2 months, ago, I should be in! (Fingers crossed!) I had 5 follies on the right (one at 9mm and 4 resting) and 7 on the left (one at 15 and 6 resting). (My ultrasound did reveal 2 fibroids, but apparently they are in the uterine wall (?), out of the way, and do not interfere with anything important.)

Oh, Drew also has to pass his testing for us to get into the study, too, I guess I should mention that. But, his numbers were perfectly fine last year and at our postcoital test, so I have no reason to believe they won't still be fine.

If I get into the study, I would get my meds free and also free genetic testing, which I really want to have done. Given my generally excellent test results in all other regards, it seems that my 'problem' is most likely old eggs at this point. With the testing, they screen every chromosome of each embryo, so they only transfer normal embryos. My philosophy at this point is Go Big or Go Home. I would rather throw the whole d*mned book at this process and know for sure one way or the other whether I've got any good eggs in there. If I retrieve a batch of 10+ eggs and not one of them produces a normal embryo, I will know definitively that my TTC journey is over, and I'll be able to move on.

I'm not supposed to DTD in the next 7 days (due to the hysteroscopy), by which time I'll have ovulated, so it looks like I'm out this cycle. Good thing I didn't take any meds! I have to say, I was very surprised at how much blood I lost after the procedure (TMI alert)...we're talking thick stuff, and lots of it. I think the doc must've scraped out half my lining! So, TTC this month probably wouldn't work anyway.

Anyhoo, next step is to get Drew to the doc, as soon as his work schedule permits. I'm hoping he can get his appointment done around Labor Day. After that, we could start cycling as soon as October, provided all goes well. Oh, and I also have to get a mammogram...these guys are *thorough,* I tells ya! They check out every frickin' thing. But hey, that's why I picked 'em, so it's all good. After the lackadaisical care from my now-previous RE, I'm ready for a medical team with way more expertise and that makes me a partner in the process, rather than just another number. And so far, that's exactly what I've gotten. Looking forward to see how it all unfolds...

Feeling surprisingly happy and hopeful

2011-07-21T10:11:00.000-07:00

So, I've been gathering information about my upcoming options, and I think I'm finally starting to get a handle on things.

Immediate plans: Femara this cycle, last try with Femara and monitoring (4th attempt).

Possible next cycle plans: Injectables. I'm wavering between possible and probable. While part of me wants to know what injectables will do on their own (and it would be good to see how I respond to the stims at least once before moving on to IVF), the other part of me just wants to skip ahead to IVF and throw that $3-4K at the big guns rather than spending more time pursuing lesser remedies. Pros of injectables: as mentioned above, plus if it works, way cheaper than IVF. Cons: if it doesn't work, more money down the tubes.

In-a-few-cycles plans: Looking at IVF sooner rather than later. While my current RE recommends 4 rounds of injectables before moving on to IVF, that would cost basically the same (or more) as getting IVF in the first place. One study I read also showed that couples who moved on immediately to IVF got pregnant sooner and at less overall cost than those who tried rounds of injectables alone first (3 months vs. 9 months required to get pregnant; $30K vs $35K spent on immediate IVF vs. injectables first, then IVF).

Now that I've accepted the idea of putting out the money for IVF (after all, I've never bought myself a new car, and IVF costs less than a new car...many people would find a car to be a reasonable purchase, so what would I rather have, a car or a baby? LOL...how's that for logic/rationalization?), I feel pretty optimistic about the option. I've already been calling around to a few different clinics, and here's what I've figured out:

Clinic #1: My Hometown Clinic (where my RE practices): probably out of the running for IVF. Initial cost quoted was about $13-15K (that includes meds) for one cycle. No price breaks of any kind, plus this is inconvenient for Drew, who would need to travel 2 hours to get here. His job is not that flexible and he can't take time off easily, unlike me. Since I'm self-employed, it's much easier for me to travel to him and have work done where he lives.

Clinic #2: Clinic in Drew's Town (2 hours away): A definite, definite possibility! Success rates for women my age are comparable to the success rates of my hometown clinic, PLUS the clinic offers package pricing for multiple IVFs, which is a huge bonus for me. Basically, they offer a flat rate for 4 IVF cycles (2 fresh, 2 frozen) of $12K (or $14K with ICSI, which I would probably have done). Now, that price doesn't include meds ($3-4K per cycle) or cryopreservation ($700, plus $40 a month). I can also have the monitoring done in my own town, which is a bonus (they'll subtract $3K from the upfront fees for that!), and they'll accept all the testing I've already had done within the last year, which is all good.

So, let's look at the math. If I get pregnant at Clinic #2 on the first try, I will have spent about $15-16K (and the program will be over...once there is a successful pregnancy, you don't do the rest of the IVF attempts). If I don't get pregnant, subsequent cycles will cost only the amount of the meds (and any additional services I choose), so let's say $19K cumulative for the 2nd try (FET), $23K for the third try (fresh cycle), and $27K for the final try (FET). If I stick with Clinic #1, however, and don't get pregnant on the first try, my next try will put me right on up to the $25-30K range of total money spent! It seems pretty much like a no-brainer to me, since the clinics have comparable success rates and Clinic #2 is much more convenient for Drew.

Now on the other hand, there is Clinic #3, the superstar.

Clinic #3: High-Profile Clinic (out of state): This one is way far away. We're talking plane rides required. Coordination to use this clinic would be difficult for the two of us (he can't travel much; doesn't have much vacation time) and also expensive (cost of airfare, hotels, etc.). HOWEVER, and it's a big however, their success rates for women my age are OFF THE CHARTS. We're talking like a 50% live birth rate for women 38-40 (I'm 40). Costs are ALSO off the charts at about $26K total for ONE cycle (if I'm recalling the figures correctly), considering the extensive testing they require for both partners beforehand. Apparently, it is that extensive testing which result in their phenomenal success rates.

Phew. So here's what I'm thinking: I'll do a hybrid. Take some of those tests and procedures that Clinic #3 requires and do them here instead with Clinic #2, at my own expense (in addition to the flat rate for the IVF multi-cycle program). I think this could possibly give me the best of all worlds: more affordable cost, better chances for success, and more convenience in location, all things considered.

Again, phew. It's been a lot of online research and so many hours spent in order to formulate this plan. Not to mention the worries of how I'm going to finance it all (that's a whole nother story). But still, I feel pretty good at having figured this much out, and I feel reasonably confident that I've looked into enough options to be making an informed choice at this point.

That's it for now, ladies! Here's hoping for success, and the right plan to get me there! :D

Waiting for AF / Injectables Question

2011-07-17T06:21:00.000-07:00

Today is my official "testing" date (16dpo) and AF is not here yet...not even any spotting yet. I haven't tested b/c I have no pg symptoms, and it keeps feeling like AF is imminent. Based on the extreme fatigue and sharp breast pains I had during my m/c cycle (and don't have now), I'm pretty sure I'm not pg. One thing I've figured out is that the Femara does prolong my luteal phase by several days. I used to be 14 days on the dot, but with Femara, it's more like 16 to 18 days, with a day or two of spotting before AF (never used to spot, either).

Overall, Femara has been a good experience. Few symptoms except moderate fatigue. Only problem is that I haven't gotten pg with it! I'm looking at 1 more cycle with Femara (or possibly Clomid, just to see how it goes), and then either moving on to injectables or possibly IVF. Still deciding what to do. I think at least one round of injectables will be in order, to see how I respond. I need to talk to the doc to see what his goals are for injectables. For example, does he want to see only a certain number of eggs produced, and not more? I'm all for the more, the merrier. Seeing as, according to statistics, only 1 out of 10 of my eggs are probably viable anyway, I apparently need all the help I can get. I'm not worried about multiples...chances are quite low, and I'd be thrilled with twins. Drew and I are also not against selective reduction, should the situation present itself as a necessity.

Can anyone with experience with injectables tell me about the benefits compared to oral drugs like Femara/Clomid? My understanding is that the injectables not only produce more eggs but also may help them mature better. Any insight would be appreciated. Thanks.

Ultrasound & Trigger

2011-06-29T14:26:00.000-07:00

Hi, all.

I got my E2 results, which was 42, normal and good. Also, the nurse said she hardly ever sees a 40 year old with an FSH of 7.2, so I guess I must be doing something right in terms of clean living. ;) To recap, my numbers last year and this year were:

2010 2011
FSH 6.4 7.2
AMH 0.9 0.94
E2 74 42
TSH 1.72 n/a

I also had my ultrasound today to see how the Femara took hold. It is CD 10, and I had 2 good follies and 2 forgettables. Right side: 23mm and 12 mm. Left side: 21 mm and 13 mm. The doc again said that he hardly ever sees Femara result in two good follies like 23 and 21, and this is the second time (out of 2) that it's happened for me. (We didn't monitor the Femara 2 cycle, as I O'd early; this is Femara 3 cycle.) So, it seems like I am responding well to the oral medication. Oh, and my lining is 7.8, so that was normal, too. Between all these tests and the "all clear" HSG, I am good to go for another 6 months at least. (They redo the FSH every 6 months, apparently.)

I took my trigger shot just now, so should ovulate by Friday morning (36 hours is when the eggs are supposed to drop). We did beat the LH surge this time, as I tested this afternoon just before going to the RE, and the OPK was still negative. Hopefully everything is aligned "just right" this time, and the recent HSG will give me that much more of a push in the BFP direction. I'll be driving to see Drew this evening and probably staying 2 nights, to make sure we get in enough BD to bombard these two eggs into submission!

Bloodwork Results are in

2011-06-28T19:22:00.000-07:00

FSH: 7.2 (it was 6.9 over a year ago, so not much change, which is good)

AMH: 0.94 (last year it was 0.9, so it's either improved slightly or they didn't give me the full number last year)

Didn't get my E2 number, as the nurse didn't leave it in the message. I should find out tomorrow when I go in for my ultrasound.

Today is CD9, and so far, OPK is negative, as I would expect. FX that it stays negative until Friday at least! Going to visit Drew tomorrow probably, to get in an early "just in case" visit.

Very happy with these numbers. Makes me feel like I don't have to be at the panic stage just yet.

HSG Today

2011-06-24T13:26:00.000-07:00

All clear, as I knew it would be. Now I get to see whether my insurance will pay for it or not. Oh joy!

Quick Update

2011-06-22T12:12:00.000-07:00

AF is back again. Trying Femara for the 3rd time this cycle, monitored with a trigger shot. HSG is on Friday, then ultrasound next week, followed by BD time with Drew. FX.

It's been a year...what's next?

2011-06-19T20:10:00.000-07:00

Hi, all. Looks like another cycle has been a bust. Signs seem pretty clear that AF will be on the way very soon. Very minor spotting yesterday and today, temps falling.

I will be getting re-tested on CD3 for the big hormones (FSH, AMH, E2), just to see where we stand. It's been a year since my initial testing, so it's time to reevaluate. Then, I will have a consult with my RE again about a week later. It's time to make some tough decisions. Do I throw money at a few cycles of drugs/ultrasound in the hopes that something sticks, or do I go straight to the big guns and bang out an IVF? If I do that, do I do it with my own doc here in town ($13-15K), or drive to another state where I can get it done more cheaply? (That, of course, would be much more complicated, as Drew would probably have to take vacation days, which he may not be able...or willing...to do. His job isn't very flexible, unfortunately.)

In fact, it's time for Drew and I to have a good sit-down to talk about whether he wants to continue on this path. He's already put in a full year of this, probably more than he bargained for, and been awesome every step of the way. We'll see if he wants to keep going, or if he feels it's time for him to bow out. I guess we didn't suppose things would take so long or get so potentially complicated. Sigh.

And somewhere in there, I will probably have to break down and pay for an HSG, just to make sure it's "all clear" in there. The nurse said (and I've heard before) that many couples get pregnant in the 2-3 months after an HSG, so maybe I will try three cycles with either clomid/femara or injectables, to see if we can get some of that luck. I may need more time to research IVF clinics anyway. On the other hand, finances are limited, and I don't want to spend $2-3K per cycle on injectables only to find myself ten grand in the hole three months later with nothing to show for it.

I do think I've come to one conclusion, however. If I'm unable to get pregnant within the next year (either with Drew or a donor), it will probably be best for me to stop trying. I may, at that point, opt for donor embryos or adoption. As always, only time will tell.

The Big 4-0, Come and Gone

2011-06-13T16:06:00.000-07:00

40th birthday party was fun, and now it's back to the grindstone. ;)

9 dpo and nothing to report in terms of symptoms. Timing was iffy at best, plus we didn't get to BD much, so I'm not holding my breath.

I believe this was our 12th cycle of trying since May 2010, but maybe only the 11th. I'll have to look at my calendar and see. I'm considering what my next options should be. Sure, I can just keep trying and hope for the best, but at this point I'm thinking that may not be enough. Here are a few options I'm considering, maybe in combination with each other.

1. Another regular cycle or two (to give it 12 tries on our own).
2. Maybe 3 medicated cycles. Tried 2 with Femara, but haven't tried Clomid. (Any comments on Clomid from personal experience out there?)
3. IVF.

I know that third one is a biggie, but I've reviewed my financial situation and decided that I could probably spend up to $25K on it (maybe a little more) if I decide that's the way I want to go. I've got $20K in my IRA that I could withdraw tax-free (because it's for medical expenses), so that's a good chunk to start with. (And there's always the option of asking family for money, but I don't really want to do that.)

I'm doing some research on IVF, the statistics for age 40, etc. Overall, it seems at least moderately positive. If anyone knows of a clinic with a good live birth rate and reasonable prices, send the info my way.

I'm not really considering IUI, as it doesn't have a much better success rate than the old fashioned way (plus, it would be hard for Drew to travel each cycle to, ahem, donate; with IVF he could travel once and we could freeze specimens for future attempts).

Anyhow, all just conjecture/in the formative stages for now. My thought is that IVF has its best shot to work before age 41 (statistically), so if I'm going to try it, I should do it now. After 41, I will probably stop TTC. Two years is enough trying for something that I "want" but will still survive and be happy in life if it doesn't happen for me. At that time, I can look into foster/adopt again (I'll still have a bit more than a year to wait before my application would be accepted), or I can look into private adoption.

Hope you are all well out there in the blog-o-land.

Depressed

2011-06-02T06:52:00.000-07:00

It has been a rough few weeks, folks. My dad has been in the hospital for two weeks now, and the prognosis is not good. Without going into details, let me just say that we don't expect him to be around much longer...a few months? a year? Who knows. I've been visiting pretty much every day, trading shifts with siblings and my mother so that he is not alone all day in the hospital. After this, it's several weeks in a nursing home to convalesce. He's not happy about it, and just wants to go home to live out his days.

This weekend is "time to try" again with Drew. As you can imagine, I'm just not in the mood at all. However, it's also the last time that I could get pregnant in my 30s, as I hit the big 4-0 during this cycle. I've found myself thinking crazy thoughts, like just jumping straight to IVF (going into debt to do so), and then I have to ask myself if it's really that important to me, or if I've just fallen into the TTC trap of escalating interventions.

And then I had another weird dream last night. Most of my female relatives were there: my mother, younger sister, her toddler daughter, and even an aunt by marriage who hasn't been in my life for many years now. In the first part of the dream, I was breastfeeding my niece, even though I didn't think I could (having never given birth). The weird part was that as she brought forth the milk, I could taste it in my own mouth--thick and rich. I felt somewhere between wonder and a little creeped out. In the second part of the dream, all of us women were holding hands and wading into a muddy marsh, then through a shallow lake. Some of the females went under the water and came back up again (including my niece, who was under for a long enough time to alarm me), but I did not. Still, we all came out on the other side (a grassy bank), where there was a guardian station of some kind, populated only by women also. My niece went inside to explore and was received well by the women, but the rest of us remained outside. No idea what to make of this dream, and no time to contemplate it right now. Let me just say that I rarely dream about multiple family members (or any family members for that matter), I don't remember ever dreaming an all-female dream, and that I would be my niece's guardian should anything happen to her parents (God forbid), so we have a special bond.

Anyhow, time to face another day at the hospital. Just thought I would update you guys since I haven't been on here for a while.

A Trio of Dreams

2011-05-09T06:29:00.001-07:00

Let me start off by saying that this is the week...I'll be back in the 2WW shortly. Timing is not optimal, with Drew traveling tomorrow, but it's the best we can do. I think having a month off was good for me mentally, and I feel ready to try again.

Had three short dreams in a row last night, with many of the usual settings and symbols I dream about, especially water and houses.

Dream 1: I am laying out in the grass beside a country road, enjoying the sunshine. Three bi-planes pass overhead in very tight formation, lined up one after the other. There are two people standing on top of the lead plane, a teenage/youthful girl and a male (couldn't see him well). They both jump off the plane, him to the far side and her to the near side. I don't see what happens to him, but I have a feeling he made it down safely. She, on the other hand, falls, falls, falls, her parachute in hand but she never opens it! I realize she is too close to the ground now to open it, and I am terrified, but her face is serene and joyous. She splashes down feet-first into a swimming pool right across the street, then comes up smiling. I rush to talk to her, excited at her amazing jump (and also thinking she's a bit crazy for taking such a daredevil chance so blithely). She knew all along she would land in the pool and was never afraid. Overall feeling: positive/happy.

Dream 2: I am at some kind of retreat or camp setting and it's dinner time. I arrive at the cafeteria as one of the first people, and am asked to step aside to be searched. They search everyone at some point during the course of the week, so it's no big surprise. Mostly, I'm disappointed at losing my place in line, as I was hungry. The search takes awhile, and I watch other people eat and the line grow longer. They find nothing and I am allowed to go. (The search was weird; I stood in front of a long folding table, a man behind it. There is some small machine that is pointed at my body; it searches for metal, scanning up and down. I take off the usual metal items...jewelry, change, etc.) Overall feeling: resignation, disappointment, but acceptance (knowing I'll get back in line and get to eat eventually; I was disappointed at being pulled out of line and made to wait).

Dream 3: A friend and I were going through the upstairs of a house, recently vacated (still full of furniture and possessions), cleaning it out and preparing it (for???). In one room are two twin beds. The first has a cute stuffed animal which I pick up and it's very dusty. I poof the dust out of it, then put it back. The second bed looks like a pile of blankets, but when I move the top blanket, there's a baby boy sleeping there. Looks just like a cherub, round cheeks, healthy, content, blond. I pick him up and show him to the friend (I didn't know the person, but it was a woman). We are astonished that the family just left him there. Someone may have said, "They [the parents] will never get their kids back now" in amazement. I'm thinking maybe they were birth parents whose kids were in foster care, and this baby was a child that social services did not know about. [This is all just speculation, as I don't have a very clear memory of the dream apart from the setting and fact that we found this beautiful baby.] Overall feeling: amazement, confusion, love for this adorable baby, hope that I could keep him.

Interpretation:

Dream 1: I found it notable that there were three planes (remember how I've had dreams about sets of threes, usually animals?). Obviously, the pair are "taking a leap," so perhaps the man represents Drew and the girl represents me (an unknown girl in women's dreams can represent the Self). Since I plan to raise a child alone, perhaps that is why I can't see what happens to the man. A parachute symbolizes protection from risk, so the fact that it is not used by the girl may show that I feel I am unprotected from the risks of the jump. The girl is in a purposeful, controlled fall, and she has a target in mind (though as the observer, I don't see her target at first). A fall may indicate the death/rebirth motif, and since falling propels us toward Mother Earth (the primordial feminine/maternal), it may represent issues relating to the personal feminine/maternal. Airplanes indicate that although the girl is flying (a common dream symbol), the flight is not under her control. Flying = raised consciousness, seeing/needing a new perspective, escape, and "rising above it all." The pool of water is a common motif in my dreams, and can symbolize the womb/pregnancy/the personal unconscious. I'm beginning to wonder if the number three, to me, represents past, present, and future (one possible interpretation), as it seems the lead object in each set of three is always significant or where the action happens from (that would be the future).
Dream 2: Seems pretty evident. I want to get in line and join in on the feasting, but first have to go through a process that shows I am safe/worthy of participating. To me, this dream may show the frustrating delay I've experienced in my journey, but I also have the knowledge in the dream that I will still be able to get what I want.
Dream 3: More problematic, due to its possible overtones of foster care, which is now not an option for me. I'll just go with the main symbols and see what they could mean. House: can represent the Self, or current hopes/anxieties. How the house is kept is important; this one is abandoned but intact...just needs some cleaning, but otherwise fine. [Hmm, maybe the fact that the parents aren't there may symbolize that my own family will not be the traditional two-parent family.] Cleaning: removing obstacles, preparing for a new stage of life. Cleaning an object (like the stuffed animal) may represent an aspect of your life that doesn't work as well as it might (like my ability to produce children, perhaps?). I think the baby is self-explanatory and not symbolic, since I want a baby. However, the baby's situation is interesting. It is hidden and then discovered with much surprise. Blankets = warmth, comfort, parental caring. I also think it's interesting that there are two beds, one with the stuffed animal (perhaps representing my lack of fertility thus far, the past?) and one with a live baby (hopefully representing the future to come).

As always, it's all speculation. Any comments?

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T06:35:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to all you lucky gals out there in Mommyland. I'm very happy for all of you who've been trying and have finally realized your dream.

As for me, I have to admit, my heart breaks just a little bit today. This last year has been so full of disappointments. First and foremost, that I would have had a two-month old by now if I hadn't had my loss. Secondly, that the foster care/adopt option was yanked out from under me for such an innane reason. Third, because so many of my friends had babies this year, and it would've been nice to have an infant at the same time. :(

Still, I'm happy for them, and just have to keep hoping that it will happen for me. Drew and I are getting together this evening, so hey, if I do get a BFP this time, it will happen on Mother's Day, which is pretty cool. However, I haven't had my OPK+ yet, so our timing may be too early. (Not that it can be helped this time around.) Here's hoping for a surge very soon!!!

Foster Care is OUT

2011-05-03T17:00:00.001-07:00

"Life changes fast."

Aaaaaaaaaaand just like that, foster care/adoption through the county is out for me. I had a littering ticket in October of last year, and apparently this excludes me from being a foster parent for three full years. Yes, a littering ticket, and one that wasn't even my fault. (Basically, I put a bag of garbage into a receptacle in a public park that seemed to be a garbage can, but apparently it was not. So I got a littering ticket for trying not to litter. And in case anyone is wondering, I was completely sober and in my right mind at the time.) I guess I should have gone to court to contest the charge (as I likely could have had it dropped), but I didn't want to take the time off work (it would have created hardship), so I just paid the fine and figured that would be the end of it. Wellllllllllllllll, not so much.

I am truly disappointed, as I like to have as many options as possible, but maybe it is for the best. I've been really questioning whether this is the right path for me and whether I could handle the uncertainty and stress of it all (as a single, self-supporting woman who already has a lot of uncertainty and stress in her life).

So, I guess I will go back to where I was before, TTC and hoping for the best.

I have not, at this time, looked into whether I would be able to adopt through a private agency. For the amount of money that would cost, I could have a round of IVF! (Granted, you don't get a huge wonkin' tax credit for IVF, and you do for adoption.)

I hope that a year from now, I'll look back on all of this hubbub and say "that littering ticket was meant to be...it kept me on the TTC path and now I have my little one(s)!" If so, I'm going to frame the d*mned thing!

May Day Dream

2011-05-02T12:25:00.000-07:00

Hello, readers. Yes, I know I still owe you a blog about the foster care classes. I'll get there, I promise. In the meantime, I had another one of those momentous dreams last night--the kind that leave you in a fog all day long, deciphering what it all means, recalling every nuance and feeling.

Let me preface this session's dream log by saying that yesterday evening, as the sun was setting, I spent some quality time outdoors communing with nature and getting in touch with the pagan side of me. Now, I'm not pagan. I'd say I'm not anything, in fact, though I was raised Christian. BUT, I do see positive aspects of many religions and traditions, and when I find a tradition that speaks to me, I may put it into practice in some way in my own life.

Such was what led me last night to a little prayer to the universe, or the Goddess, if you will. (If you won't, just roll your eyes and bear with me, ok? I promise, I'm not a weirdo, I'm just open to lots of ideas.) Anyhoo, May 1 is May Day, or Beltane in pagan traditions, a holiday honoring the height of spring and historically celebrated by fertility rituals and rites. In my simple little prayer, spoken silently in my head while contemplating the blooming life around me, I asked that I be invited to the table. Invited to share in that fertility that is a hallmark of womanhood, in the miracle of becoming a mother, and in the human experience of parenting. I know that this experience would be an incredible, gratifying, and needed vehicle for my own personal growth, as well as fulfill my desire to connect with others and form deep, loving relationships. Alongside this is the desire to help others in less fortunate circumstances, part of my motivation for looking into foster care and adoption. In my little prayer, I asked that a child or children come into my life. I let my wishes be known (that this would happen biologically, at least one time), but also acknowledged my intention to continue down this path whether the children came from my own body or not. I'm still working on my Zen detachment--of accepting whatever the universe will bring me and feeling blessed in what I have received, even if it may not match what I thought I wanted for myself and my life.

So, that was my prayer and my little ritual for May Day. I'm not sure what I expected from it, but to have such an incredible dream that very night is surely something of significance. This one is a VERY long one in its interpretation, as the details and feelings were incredibly vivid to me, so please bear with me. Here it is:

I was living in my large apartment home (not my real home in life); comfy, somewhat shabby/lived in. Been there for years. All on one floor, no basement or attic. Sitting at dining room table, I notice a door in the silver tin wall I’ve never seen before! (I saw the keyhole). Opened the door, couldn’t see well, just looked like a dark closet. Got a flashlight, and discovered a whole huge room inside! Gleaming wood floors, gorgeous, very long (as long as the whole apartment) and luxurious, full of all the things a person would need--awesome bed nestled into the corner, very romantic, covered with lush fabrics and pillows, comfy seating nook around a fireplace, kitchenette along one wall of the apartment (I could see through that wall into my own old rooms, semi-transparent; the new room was here all along), a huge business island piece of furniture, polished wood and black, very modern, and more. But the most unusual part was the open “bathing” area, for lack of a better term. There were about 6 tubs of different kinds, each for being seated in a different way (some for full recline, like a normal jacuzzi tub, and some for sitting up with not much of a tub to it at all, just enough to cover the lower part of the torso/bottom, with legs out of the water and resting on a curved leg rest). All were sparkling clean and new. There was also a brand new casket, gleaming mahogany, not assembled, but still in the box. All the items were just kind of placed into the apartment, rather than being arranged in a homelike order (for the most part), as if they were being stored but not yet in their permanent locations. The whole place looked as if someone were building their dream luxury apartment/getaway, but then had to leave it before they could move in.

I had my sister come over (and some other woman, didn’t know her; a rather plump, somewhat stern older woman, almost as if a housekeeper; she said nothing, and just stood around with her arms crossed, taking in the situation and holding her tongue). We marveled that I had never found this room before. It solved my space problem, and also was obviously worth a lot of money! We were very excited, but also puzzled by the room, especially the strange bathtub-like fixtures.

Later, we were at a gathering of some sort, and someone was talking about the previous home’s owner and his funeral parlor. Funeral parlor! As soon as we heard that, we knew, of course, that that’s what the room was. I think we were surprised, but not freaked out or anything.

And here are some possible symbols and interpretations for each aspect of the dream:

HOME: a reflection of your values/goals, family/love relationships. A house can symbolize the psyche, your lifestyle, or sometimes the Self. How the house is kept can reflect your attitudes toward yourself and whether you need to “put your house in order.” A house falling down may indicate personal change or stress. Discovered treasures suggest parts of yourself that need to be developed, or the Self (care of your personality).

OTHERS LOOKING AT YOU: a need for another perspective/viewpoint, anxiety/confusion about being watched (those were the emotions in the dream).

HIDDEN: Finding a hidden room that is richly decorated or full of treasures symbolizeds a hidden, creative aspect of yourself, possibly even your core Self. How well or deeply hidden these aspects are may be shown in the ease/difficulty you have in finding the room. The room was there all along and I never saw it!

DOOR: a transition symbol, leading to new/different feelings and perceptions. Often the search for our center/Self begins with opening a door or being confronted with a door we have difficulty getting through (or in this case, a door that’s been there all along but has never been noticed or recognized). A closed door my symbolize a secret, hidden knowledge, or the entrance to the unconscious (especially a hidden door); the sacred (an elaborate door). Freud says: door/keyhole represent vagina; opening a door may indicate sexual intercourse.

SILVER: Can represent lunar/spiritual aspects of yourself. May refer to something extremely valuable/precious (the Self), or a situation that has a “silver lining.” Metaphysically, a silver cord is said to connect the energy body to the physical body for out-of-body journeying. (note: I don’t remember ever dreaming about silver before.)

KEYHOLE (no key needed, door just opened when I pulled on it): a key part of yourself; the crux of an issue. Characteristics/conditions: no key is present or needed; I’ve never needed a key to open this door. The keyhole is old-fashioned and just a bit embellished with scrollwork—nice, classic, antiqued-looking. OMG! Freud: key/lock (or keyhole) = penis/vagina, but there is no key! Translation: penis not needed to open this door (stage of life: motherhood).

SISTER: Some aspect of your relationship. May also signal issues related to your family role/kinship/belongingness. [In the dream, we were of one mind/same reactions. I felt supported by her, and that she shared my excitement and wonder. Our reaction was, “cool!”]

“The long time friend [sister] is your own awareness teaching you to become more aware of things at this point in time. You may need to do some soul searching for the answer as to what element you need to have removed from your life right now. Use good common sense in whatever you consider. The past is the past.”
SERVANT: the need to serve; also associated with inequality of status, a need to be taken care of, wealth (or lack of it), authority issues, the need to put somebody “in their place” (or that this has been done to you). Having a housekeeper suggests that it’s time to: put some order in your life, clean up unfinished business, get rid of old things (old ways of feeling/behaving?), put your soul/spirit life in order. It may relate to feelings of inadequacy, new ideas being born, or the feeling/fear that you’re locked into endless drudgery. [new apartment = more work for the housekeeper; perhaps why she looked rather grim. She seemed to have no say in things and just kept her mouth shut, but wasn’t excited/happy like my sister and I were.]

FURNITURE: Closely related to how we feel about ourselves and our family relationships. My interpretation: old part of apartment was cozy and felt good, but was also a bit worn (can represent feelings about past family/home relationships). New part of apartment was exciting & undiscovered…nobody in my family knew about it, either. Since *all* pieces of furniture were there, I haven’t considered individual pieces. They were all pieces I was thrilled about, though; loved the style, very cozy and rich-feeling. COST: considering the cost of something refers to value: recognizing your own value, realizing your worth, and getting it. You may be considering the emotional cost of a waking relationship/situation.

COFFIN (unopened, still in the packaging): As a container that goes into the earth, it is the quintessential Earth Mother/womb symbol. It may be time to end a situation/relationship; it may already be dead and you're just now realizing it. Metaphysically, the coffin is a symbol of the completion of one life or lifestyle and opening into another. It may be an expression of opportunity, or of the archetypal death/rebirth theme. [Consider any decoration for additional clues: it was plain, a rich, gleaming mahogany color, one of my favorite colors.] Any container may symbolize you (for women). Consider its contents and quality for clues regarding the state of your ego or body. If the container is closed, it may represent protection/feelings of being closed off/heightened awareness of your internal state/not enough outside input.

BATHTUBS/EQUIPMENT: My interpretation: to cleanse, transform, and get ready for the next stage of existence. I looked on them with pleasure, and couldn’t wait to sink in and pamper myself, though I didn’t know what some of them were for. (Perhaps there are parts of my that need to transform that I’m not aware of, or I don’t know how to do it.) BATHING: cleansing in preparation for a greater experience (group, religious, or spiritual), a healing or baptism (voluntary death/rebirth), or initiation. [This makes sense; all the equipment was there and ready to be used; brand new, I’d never touched it before. I was excited to use it and felt lucky to have stumbled upon it.] An elaborate container may signal a need to luxuriate or take time for special care of yourself. May suggest a need to wash away old secrets/pain (acknowledge and release them), or a need to “come clean.” Machines (equipment) may add order or control to our lives.

FUNERAL PARLOR (never used): My own interpretation here, since no real help in dictionary. A funeral parlor is a place where a person is made ready for the next stage of existence. One site suggests an unknown funeral parlor within the home “seems to indicate a desire to cleanse yourself of something you would rather have buried and left in the past. Only you would know what that is. Your life at present seems to indicate, along with the dream, that you are living in conditions that would not be in harmony with that which you are trying to bury in your past. You may also wish to resolve this aspect that pops up, at times, in your life.” Funeral homes imply something that is dead, forgotten, cut off, or a commitment ended.

So, I guess overall, my impression of the message this dream was trying to send me was that there is a whole new aspect of myself or my life that I can discover simply by opening the door to it. It is a rich and wonderful place, a place of new beginnings and rebirth. Some of the imagery of the dream seem to suggest that this is journey is meant to take place without a man (in this case, Drew, so foster care would be the destination): the keyhole without a key, and the unopened/unused coffin, in particular. This dream may be telling me that it is time to let go of Drew and move forward on the alternate path I've mapped out.

Any further interpretations or ideas would, as always, be sincerely appreciated. Sorry so long...I just find the inner workings of the mind so fascinating!

A New Cycle Begins

2011-04-29T14:28:00.000-07:00

Well, my cycles have been all over the place since beginning the 2 cycles of Femara (29 and 27 days respectively; normal cycle length being 24-25 days). This cycle? 22 days. Sigh. O well, AF is here, so at least it's time to try again. (We took this past cycle off, as you may recall.)

Was planning to try the Femara again, but now timing is working out poorly once more. Drew needs to be out of town on the precise days I'll probably be ovulating, either with or without the Femara. So, I can *not* take the Femara and we can BD just before he leaves (CD 10), hoping that it's close enough to O-date to give us a shot (though the whole reason to take the Femara is to prolong the follicular phase and give the eggs more time to ripen--usual O date is 10 or 11, which could be too early). Or, I can take the Femara and *hope* it delays O until after he gets back (CD 14), which I don't think will work. It's just cutting it too close, and I might O before he gets back. So, I've decided to go with the former option and just hope for the best.

I'll update you all soon on the foster care classes, which have been going well. I've had 2 so far this week. Too much to do right now to get it down on paper...hooray for the weekend!

One Month Haitus from TTC - Part Two

2011-04-11T08:29:00.000-07:00

[If you haven't read the previous blog post, skip there then come back here for the latest philosophical musings and navel-gazing.]

Getting back to the foster/adoption thing, I spent a few hours online last night reading foster/adopt blogs and browsing picture profiles of children waiting for "forever families." It is sad to see so many children out there needing homes. One thing I learned is that for hard-to-place children (which includes older children (6yo+ usually) and sibling groups, among other groups), some states (and/or maybe it's the fed?) offer continuing subsidies for people who adopt them. It is definitely food for thought, as money is always tight around here. Having my own child would certainly stretch my financial resources, so foster care/adoption may at least have a financial advantage to take away some of the sting of infertility. Anyhoo, that's a whole nother post...

So after all the things happening lately (decision to take a month off, scheduling a vacation, browsing kids' profiles, etc.), I dropped into bed last night around 1 am and finally, FINALLY had a night of deep, deep, relaxing sleep. I'm sure it won't surprise many of you to read that I had a very interesting and significant (IMO) dream. It follows below.

I was in the hospital, waiting for someone else to get checked out (probably Dad), when the nurses decided to run some tests on me, too. I submitted willingly, as if I knew I needed the care. They gave me my own private room, which was awesome...comfortable bed, home-like furnishings, a good book at hand, and a movie I'd been wanting to watch on the TV. My feeling was that I was ok with staying and that it would be nice to just have the night off from my busy life. The nurses had a very hard time getting blood samples, though, as barely any blood would flow out of my arm. It took like ten minutes for one tiny vial to fill up (they took two total). I think I was given barbituates (willingly took them), though this is unclear. I do know I felt very relaxed and like I would enjoy a good rest from them.

At some point, I found myself out of the room and at the front entrance of the hospital. It was actually like a fancy resort, with a terraced, grassy garden full of marble statues and balustrades, enclosed by a high, sloping stone wall (ancient-looking, very beautiful), that tapered away to nothing as it approached the front of the garden. At the front of this lovely area was an enormous pool, flowing almost like a whitewater river, with gorgeous waves rolling over each other in lively beauty. I sat atop the ancient wall dividing the walkway from the pool and garden, slowly sliding down the wall inch by inch, making my way toward the front of the area. (On this side of the wall were small pieces of art hanging on the wall, cafe tables for resting, a flagstone patio, etc. Quite resort-like and relaxing.) I viewed the long, rolling pool from the top of the wall. The water was crystal clear and sky blue, and looked so inviting and refreshing. I knew that I could go swimming anytime, but that now was not the time. I would come back later and revel in those divine waters. Here is where the dream ends.

I don't think this one needs much interpretation, as it's pretty clear. During a time of taking care of others, I find that I need care myself. I'm too wiped out to argue, and readily welcome the care, knowing that it is truly needed. Blood represents life energy, and the fact that mine wasn't flowing readily is self-evident for interpretation. I was happy to take the drugs they offered in kindness, and embraced this opportunity for R&R from my regularly-scheduled life.

Re: the idyllic garden, it was just the kind of place I love to visit and spend time; an ideal place, like a dream. I also love ruins and natural materials (stone, in this case), so I found the wall beautiful. Probably, the wall represented the separation of my current state (needing simple, rustic relaxation; not ready to enter the garden or pool) from my possible future state (the garden and pool--the ideal dream). If you haven't skipped over my many posts about dream interpretation, you probably know what such a place represents. The garden: a symbol for fertility and the blossoming self. Since it was a formal garden and neatly cared-for, it can represent order in life, balance, and harmony. In addition, "a walled garden may symbolize parts of yourself that you're keeping secret from others." (And since my whole TTC journey has been private, this is especially relevant.) The pool: since it was man-made, it may represent the personal unconscious. What I found unusual were the waves in a man-made pool, which made it seem like a rolling river. River: "fertility; flowing or fluctuating feelings; the course of your life." Water represents the flow of life energy, so the state of the water is important to note (here, it was clean, clear, and beautiful). "In its positive aspect it's considered the fountain of life, the primal waters from which all life emerged." The garden and pool seem to me to be my obvious destination, a place I will visit when the time is right. It was welcoming, and I was not being excluded; I would be able to go there when I was ready to do so. To me, it represents the end of my TTC journey: my destination, that happy, ideal place I've been dreaming of in waking life.

I awoke feeling happy and deeply rested for the first time in many weeks. Overall, this dream told me that I've made the right decision to take some time off from TTC to nurture myself and rest, and that someday I will reach that destination I have in mind. Motherhood, in whatever form it may come into my life. :)

Thank you all for bearing with me as I again plunge into the depths of the subconscious. It really does help me to be able to explore all of these ideas in writing and to hear your comments on what interpretations I may be missing.

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[Note: before going to bed, I drew some tarot cards (as I often do for amusement and reflection) for past, present, and future. My "present" card was the Queen of Cups. whose symbolism is explained thus: "UPRIGHT MEANING: NURTURING, INSIGHT. A natural giver, the Queen represents a caring, maternal woman. A queen of hearts, she is sensitive and insightful. As a situation, she predicts a time for nurturing yourself and others. You may be in touch with your intuition more just now, so take note of your dreams because they bring messages about your deepest needs." How crazy is that?!]

One Month Haitus from TTC

2011-04-11T07:57:00.000-07:00

As many of you know from reading my previous posts, schedules are not working out for Drew and I this month, so we'll be taking a month off. Drew is taking a well-deserved vacation (he takes the same trip every year at the same time with a group of friends, so it's not flexible). While we "might" have made it back just in time for O, it would only have happened if he cut his trip short and if my O-date moved to CD14 (which it didn't last month, even with the Femara; it was still CD10). So, we decided to let this cycle go with grace and not try to force things.

In any case, I have been super busy and under a great deal of pressure ever since the year started, due to high-volume work, tight deadlines, and my father going into the hospital for a week. I dropped everything and went home to help my mother. Turns out Dad has congestive heart failure; who knows how much longer he'll be around. And while this isn't a surprise (he's been going downhill for some time), it's one more straw on this camel's back. All of this stress, topped with the anxiety of TTC, has caused me to retreat into my shell, taking almost every spare moment I have simply to try to recharge. I have felt depleted of energy and mentally exhausted--almost beat down. SO, taking a month off from TTC is probably for the best for me, to allow me to relax for a while and just "be."

As it also happens, I got a break in my work and was able to schedule a vacation myself, over the same weekend that Drew will be traveling, so we'll both be getting some much-needed R&R. I'm heading to Florida for some camping, then some hotel time with pool/beach...with Mr. Charming. (You may remember him for long, long ago in this blog.) That weekend will actually be the two-year anniversary of when we started dating, so it will be nice to mark the occasion. Even though he has now moved to another state and our relationship is waning, he is still a valued friend, and I'm glad I'll be able to get in one last hurrah "just like old times" at the very least before things truly taper off and/or before I finally win the TTC lottery. Mr. Charming and I always had great trips together, so I feel very lucky to be able to have this chance for just one more. :)

Dovetailing with all of this significant stuff going on is the fact that, upon my return from the trip to Florida, my foster care/adoption classes get underway. I have begun considering adoption more seriously than I had before, partly because I haven't had success getting pregnant, partly because I'm not sure my heart can handle fostering (it can be heartbreaking, from what I understand), and partly because of the experience I had when my friend brought her newborn adoptive baby home last week. As I held her sweet new son, just four days old, I felt no jealously or unhappiness at all; just happiness for her, and also a whisper of a feeling inside of me that said, "If you never have this moment for yourself [an infant of your own in your arms], you will be okay and you will still be able to find happiness." It was almost like a knowing, and I felt comforted and at peace.

I think this experience also helped me ease up on the TTC throttle and let one cycle go, not with reluctance, but with relief. I need to live my life, not get caught up on the obsession of having a baby as the be-all, end-all of existence. I know my life will be fine one way or the other; every possible path leads us to both happiness and pain, only of different varieties. It is always our own interpretations of events that determines whether we are happy or unhappy, for the world lives in our own minds. We choose to be happy; we choose to be unhappy. I think I will choose to be happy. (Or at least, I'll keep trying.)

Three Spiders

2011-03-31T11:42:00.000-07:00

Hi, ladies. I am 11dpo and nothing to report. No symptoms to speak of, so I am expecting AF to arrive at 15dpo. I probably won't even test, given my utter lack of symptoms. Re: next month, it looks like I may have to skip a cycle, as Drew will be traveling during the window of opportunity. While I hate to skip any chance at all, a break would also probably be good for me, so if that's what happens, it happens. Had another dream last night of three creatures. (Why am I continually dreaming of threes? It's so bizarre!) This time, it was three spiders, all hanging next to each other on a white wall, spaced out 2 or 3 feet apart. I wanted them out of the house, so I decided I would use a jar to catch them and then release them into the grass, rather than kill them. In my dream, I imagined myself doing this, but didn't actually do it. (And how weird is that, to have a visualization within a dream?) [The next part is even creepier, be warned.] I also debated, in the dream, whether I would eat a live spider for $50,000, a la Fear Factor. I imagined my mouth crunching down on it--again another visualization within the dream, not something that I actually did in the dream. Ugh, it gives me the willies just thinking about it. Note of some importance, perhaps: spiders are pretty much the only creature that can make me scream involuntarily. I hate them. So of course, I look up spiders in a few dream dictionaries, and the associations are pretty interesing. A few tidbits here (quoted):

They will usually refer to some situation where you feel trapped or stuck.

To eat a spider or dream that a spider is in your mouth, symbolizes your control over a situation. You are not afraid to exert your dominance in a relationship.

To see a spider climbing up a wall in your dream, denotes that your desires will be soon be realized.

The spider is also symbolic of feminine power.

If you kill a spider in your dream, then it symbolizes misfortune and bad luck. (Glad I decided not to kill them!)

Anyhoo, I just thought it was interesting that I once again had a dream about three creatures. Note that the overall mood of the dream was neutral. I did not care for the spiders, but I wasn't afraid of them either. I felt that catching them and letting them go was the right thing to do.

Of Frogs and Men (or rather, Women...namely me)

2011-03-26T07:18:00.001-07:00

Hi, all.

Last night, I had another very curious dream. I wish I could remember more details, but I'll describe what I can here. Overall, this was a very positive dream in overtone, and even almost wondrous feeling. Bear with me, it's a long interpretation. I guess I just find this stuff so interesting! Whatever the meaning, it's clear that I'm dreaming of fertility and that I have some emotional issues to sort through regarding this journey, which has been so much more difficult in terms of angst than I ever thought it would be.

The Dream

I was trying to catch three tiny little frogs, in a protective way; I was concerned that I would lose them, I think. they seemed to be "mine." I followed them through a nice, airy forest, where they hopped through the grass/broadleaf plants and made their way to a clear, fresh pond. They dove into the pond, always swimming together in a line (just as they had hopped together). I found my consciousness under the water, looking out at them and smiling as they enjoyed rolling through the water. I easily gathered them up one at a time in my left palm, where they all fit easily, and they did not try to escape but seemed to fit naturally with me. I set them back into the grass and they began to hop back the way we'd come, as if they were going home. Unexpectedly, the lead frog transformed into a flitting, dancing insect (it may have been a mosquito, but I'm not sure; it was all lines and not a solid representation). It was a good feeling (gratifying, I was happy for it) to watch this creature dance on the air as it made its way toward its destination.

There the dream ends. This was a very unusual dream for me because, while I often dream of water and forests, I rarely dream of creatures within those settings, and I have never dreamed of frogs, to the best of my recollection. This is also the second time recently that I've dreamed of the number three (or three of something), so that seems significant also.

Before delving into the symbolism of the dream, let me note that lately I've been reading a book on vision quests. In a chapter I just read yesterday or the day before, it spoke of the frog in Native American tradition as the masculine "spirit keeper" of the south. According to the book, the south is strongly associated with summer, midday sun, the full moon, water, the emotional aspects of oneself, and growth/childhood. [Incidentally, the feminine spirit keeper of the south was named as a dolphin, a creature I have sometimes considered to be one of my possible totem animals.] SO, it may be that frogs were suggested to my mind because of this reading.

Symbolism (according to various dream dictionaries. I've highlighted in purple ideas that I thought were especially relevant or interesting)

Frogs: fertility; creativity; resurrection. It is a lunar/water creature. [Ed: both elements I often dream of or associate with myself] As a tadpole [or perhaps as a very tiny frog???], it can symbolize sperm and/or future growth potential, and sometimes appear in dreams at or around the time of conception. They are common in the first-trimester dreams of pregnant women. Re: the fact that I was pursuing them to keep them safe seems pretty evident here in terms of interpretation; I have been pursuing fertility and doing everything I can to be in the best of health and keep any possible future children safe within my body.

Grass: fertility; growth; the automatic functioning of our various bodily systems. If wild grass: freedom; openness; fertility; your basic nature (esp. if there are animals in the field); hopes/dreams; unlimited potentiality. A pond within the field symbolizes the unconscious or inner depths. [Note: I found the idea of freedom particularly significant because in my musings lately, I've come to decide that it has been perhaps the most important motif in my life.]

Forest: the unconscious/unknown; fertility. It may contain wild animals (instincts/your wildest dreams), fairies/elemental beings (unconscious energy; see note on mosquitoes below), and the potential for spiritual or physical healing.

Water: To dream of clear water, foretells that you will become prosperous. The flow of life energy; fertility; the fountain of life. Can represent the unconscious/emotions; a lake usually represents the personal unconscious. [Side note: it's a also common for third-trimester women to dream of waves.]

Swimming: Women in their third trimester often dream of swimming, whereas at the time of conception, it's not unusual for a woman to dream of fish, or other small, aquatic animals, swimming up narrow channels. [Note: no narrow channels in the dream, but an open, safe pond of beautiful water, somewhat green-blue in color, on a sunny day.] For Freud, dreams of swimming represented memories of/wishes to be in the womb again (during stressful times). In emotional terms, it could represent emotional work/energy or becoming aware of unconscious material (esp. if swimming underwater); the ability to delve into emotions, or a need/readiness to become aware of unconscious material. [Note: I think this is right on the money for me, as lately I've been having something of a crisis of faith, wondering what I really want from life and what my real motivations are. Hence, the thought about going on a vision quest, which led me to the book mentioned above.]

Lake: can represent the womb/pregnancy; a change in your way of life; a desire to return to mothering waters and be nourished or escape responsibility [I've definitely felt the need for both lately]; the inner world of feelings/emotions. If the surface is mirrorlike (it was; perfectly calm), it may symbolize reflection that leads to awareness.

Three: many interpretations. The beginning of a destined course; the gathering of creative energies prior to actual creation. Associated with the three Graces and the three phases of time (past, present, future)

Hand (left): to Jung, symbolizes feminine/receptive attributes. The dictionary says to consider the hand's position and action (it was cupping the frogs protectively) and any idioms/play on words that might be appropriate. Ex: perhaps I have the problem "in hand" now? Do the frogs "need a hand" (or do I just think they need a hand, when in reality, they don't? Witness, the frogs hopping off on their own at the end of the dream, heading in the right direction.)

Mosquito (?): Seems to represent the draining of energy or an annoying problem that is difficult to overcome. TTC has definitely been both (an energy drain and an annoying problem). The odd part here for me is that in the dream, it was happy/wondrous to see the frog transform into this creature. It felt right and natural. I have come to wonder if, perhaps, the creature was a fairy rather than an insect or mosquito, since its form was indistinct. Or, if the past-present-future interpretation is correct for the number three, this creature could represent the future (since it was leading the way), and the happiness I felt at its transformation could indicate the possibility that annoyances and energy drains will be transformed into something wondrous and positive ~ perhaps even a longed-for child that will be making its way home to me soon.

So seriously, how crazy is all of that? (Or maybe *everything* just represents fertility, lol.) Maybe it's odd for me to spend so much time analyzing a simple little dream, but I do think it's possible that our dreams carry messages for us. Anyone care to take a stab at an interpretation on this one, beyond what I've already outlined? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Not the best cycle

2011-03-22T15:31:00.001-07:00

Well, it doesn't look like the Femara worked its magic this time. Instead of O'ing at CD14 like last time (+OPK at CD13), it looks like I O'd at CD11 (+OPK at CD10). :( Temps have been up now for two days since CD11, so it looks like it was another short one. Fortunately, I managed to hightail it out of town to visit Drew on the day of the surge, but that's all we had time for because of our schedules. I guess we've only got one shot this time (so to speak), so "boo" to that. It's been a weird few days...I've had +OPK every day since CD10, and I'm not sure what's caused that. There is a chance I still haven't O'd, but with the two temperature rises, I think I probably have. Anyway, I'll check again in the morning, and if I get a low temp and another +OPK, I may ask Drew to drive up for a visit.

In short, not very hopeful for this cycle. In addition to only getting in one attempt, the early ovulation may mean the egg released was not mature enough to fertilize anyway. Sigh...

Baby Time Bomb, Take Two

2011-03-11T11:37:00.000-08:00

Jesus H., it's been one year since my TTC Time Bomb officially went off. March 18 will mark my one-year blogoversary here at Time Bomb Central. I am now entering my 9th cycle of actively TTC (we took three cycles off after my m/c under the advice of my acupuncturist). This seems as good a time as any to step back and reflect.

In the last year, I have:

Been poked and prodded (pre-pregnancy exams by the OBGYN and GP).
Solicited a known donor and asked him to jerk off for the doc. (Awesome. How awkward was that conversation?)
Learned what BFP, BFN, OPK, HPT, POAS, and oh-so-many other acronyms mean.
Gotten pregnant, and on the first try!!!!!!
Lost the baby two days after I got my BFP. :( :( :(
Been poked and prodded again (acupuncture), ostensibly to preclude the use of fertility drugs.
Bought a ticket and climbed on board the Fertility Drug Train.
Looked at my donor's swimming champs on the small screen after a post-coital test. (Again, AWKWARD!)

I've also had some rather painful moments (aside from the m/c, obviously), like:

Being secretly pregnant at a good friend's baby shower, then watching her pregnancy unfold while mine should have been doing the same (oh, and since the birth, watching her post picture after picture after give-me-a-fucking-break picture on Facebook).
Accepting that I would not have a baby within a year of my sister's baby. :( I guess cousins the same age was too much to hope for.
Realizing I would not give birth in my 30s, which was the plan (and which I think I just assumed would happen).
Just this week, having a good friend who is in the adoption process be chosen by a birth mom...she's going to have a baby to adopt one month from now, assuming all goes well. While I'm excited and happy for her, it also makes me a little sad, as we've been on this baby train together, and now our paths are going to diverge. It would've been nice if we could've had our newborns at roughly the same time. Now, she's getting one, and me? Who knows. Sad face for me, happy face for her.
Watching other ladies who got pregnant at the same time as me have their babies, while my not-to-be due date came and went, and me with an empty womb. Again, sad face for me, happy face for them. (Truly!)

Anyhow, I could go on and on about what the process has been like so far (and hopefully I'll have time to do so soon in another post), but for now, I've just been reflecting on the highlights (or should I say lowlights) from the last year. Although I haven't yet been successful in my quest, one thing I do know is this: no matter what happens, at least I can say "I tried." I won't have to regret not taking action, knowing that shoulda, coulda, woulda are words that I have stricken from my vocabulary.

Many, many thanks to you all who have supported me along this journey and who have inspired me with your stories. Congratulations to those of you who've had successes (and precious little ones!) so far, and baby dust, hugs, and luck to all the rest of us who are still riding this crazy ticking-time-bomb train. Here's hoping this one-way ticket brings us safely to the next station on the journey: Babyland.

Reiki, Signs, and Keepin' it Real

2011-03-02T18:36:00.000-08:00

So, the Femara did it's job, with my O date moving from 10/11 dpo on average to 14dpo according to my temperature charting, yay! I'm 7dpo and won't be testing for a few days still, at the earliest (it takes 10 days or so for the trigger shot to clear out of the system, otherwise you get a false BFP). Honestly, I don't even have a test in the house. I ran out last month and haven't bought any new ones yet. I think I'm just so tired of being disappointed that the thought of going out to buy more HPTs is almost depressing, so I just don't think about it. I figure if I start having some symptoms worth noting, I'll run out and buy a test or two. Otherwise, I'm just going to wait for AF to show or not show, as she will. Despite my hopes this cycle with the Femara, I feel strangely detached from the results for some reason. Maybe I'm just not letting myself hope too much, I guess. Keepin' it real, y'know? But as you know, I always look for signs, too, and the following is an account of some of the signs that have been in the air lately.

Most importantly, I had a very interesting evening. Had a session of reiki again with my good friend who doesn't know I'm TTC. Let's call her Candy. It's always interesting to see what parts she zones in on, not knowing what I'm attempting. Tonight was particularly intriguing.

Right away (after a quick full-body scan), Candy's hands moved toward my left abdominal (ovarian) area, and she worked on that area for quite awhile. I've been feeling the usual twinges/pressure that I feel in that area during this part of the 2WW, so this didn't surprise me (even though she had no idea of what I was feeling).

After that, she moved on to my head for a good long while, which was definitely a mess, as I've been cramming in way too much work in the last few weeks. I'll skip most of what she said about this, as it's unrelated to TTC. However, she did receive an interesting image of a sailboat being gusseted about by a strong wind pushing in all directions, whipping back and forth and being tossed on the waves. I've definitely felt that way of late when it comes to the TTC world, always second-guessing myself, ups and downs, highs and lows, hopes and disappointments...it definitely feels like my psyche has been caught in a storm and has taken a beating.

Then Candy came around the right side of the table and started working on my right abdominal area, above the ovary - the second chakra, which deals with procreation, among other things. She remained at that area for a very long time, sometimes using both hands on the same spot, sometimes with one hand over each ovarian area , sometimes with one hand over the right ovarian area and the other hand over the solar plexus (3rd) or the heart (4th). What she had to say about this portion of the session astonished me.

We always do a post-mortem, so to speak, after each session, and this time, Candy told me that she was immediately drawn to this part of the body in particular (the right ovarian area.2nd chakra), as if it was crying out "Help me! Help me!" She asked if I'd been experiencing any ovarian pain or adrenal issues lately (the "stress glands," awesome). I mentioned only that AF was due next week, so that area was active right now. (Again, she did know that I had taken a course of Femara this month and had had two mature follicles release on the right side after the trigger shot, so I was amazed that she zeroed in on exactly that spot.) Candy explained that this area was sucking up every ounce of energy she could pour into it, as if it was exhausted and thirsty for energy; she said she could've gone twice as long just on that one spot and it would have sucked up every drop of energy she could give it.

While Candy was working the energy up and down my torso, I many times experienced a pinpoint sensation just above my belly button, a bit to the right. When I told her about it afterwards, she said that this point was right in the middle of the chakra spots she was working on (2nd - the right ovary; 3rd - the solar plexus; 4th - the heart), so the sensation was something like a crossroads, pinpointing where the energy from the different chakras crossed over each other and connected in the middle. Happily, no blockages between any of these areas, though she said my 3rd chakra, my power center, was almost overwhelmingly powerful, as if it was looking for or reaching out for support or for someone to take some of the burden away from me. With all the stress I've had lately between work, finances, and TTC, that one really hit the nail on the head. I would like nothing more right now that to have someone take care of ME for a change, instead of me having to do it all myself all the time...

Then Candy moved on to the root chakra, which as you may know, is the centered in the seat or at the base of the spine and deals with "survival, stability, grounding." I've typically had problems staying grounded in terms of energy, meaning I send a lot of energy out but haven't been able to replenish or receive enough back in exchange. (One way to do this is to walk barefooted in nature, for example.) She described a vision she had as she moved her hand above this area for the first time (at the pelvis/the joint where the leg meets the hip). She looked down at her right hand and it transformed into a table (the palm) with five adults sitting around it, while the thumb of her other hand, nearby yet separate, was seen as the figure of a mother.

To Candy, the figures represented me and my four siblings, plus possibly a young version of my mother (she knows my family somewhat well). She said that we at the table seemed to be looking for stability or were in need of a mothering figure, and she seemed fairly confident that the figure was probably my mother. When I asked, however, whether the figure might be an archetype of a mother, she really perked up at that, as if she'd had an "Aha!" moment. When viewing the figure as such, she offhandedly suggested that perhaps the figure was manifesting a maternal side of me...again, if she only knew. [As for the siblings, yes, we are pretty tight, and yes, our mom does hold us together. We do look to her for stability in the family.]

So anyhow, as you can tell, this session was super productive for me, and certainly left me with a lot to think about! I know, a lot of it sounds like complete bullshit, but I thought female ejaculation was bullshit, too. Until it happened to me!

In the "Other Signs" Department:

Last night before bed, I drew a card as I always do from my Happiness deck. (A deck, I might add, that Candy gave to me.) I had been thinking of how, way back when, I drew The Offering card in the days before I got my BFP (read about it here). In the last few months, though, it has been hiding away from me, as I've drawn various cards each evening that could in no way be tied to TTC (but that offered lessons on personal development and spirituality which were nonetheless appreciated). As I was shuffling the deck and shuffling the deck, I kept remembering how excited I was to draw The Offering at such a significant time (and I did take it as a sign then...one that turned out to be correct). Shuffling, shuffling, and what should happen but that one of the cards practically leapt out of the deck, falling in my lap. Now, whenever this happens, I take that card as the card I was meant to draw. After all, something that jumps out at you ought to be taken note of, right? Well, I think you know what card it was. The Offering.
For the last three nights, I've had dreams related to birth or babies. I can't recall most of them, but one was particularly vivid. I was waiting for labor, at home, with my Mom and closest sister in attendance. (Note: lately, I've been reading about home births.) I was taking a warm soak when I realized that something was different or strange. I looked down into the bathwater and saw that the umbilical cord had simply drifted out of my body (unattached to anything; it looked like a clear plastic piece of rope, not like a real umbilical cord). I wasn't sure what to make of it, so I took it to show it to my mother and sister, who said that, DUH, I was in labor! Weird, huh? Not sure what to make of that one...the fact that I apparently "birthed" the umbilical cord (with no contractions or even awareness that I'd done it), but not the baby. Obviously, a baby can't survive with an umbilical cord, so I have to say that this dream made me a bit uneasy, and I'm still not sure what to make of it. Maybe there's something significant in the fact that I offered it to my mother and my sister (my only sister who's had children, who just had a baby this year, and who has named me as the guardian of her children).

And Last but Not Least:

I am officially registered for the next series of foster care orientation classes, which are due to take place in April. If I'm not pregnant by then, at least I'll be moving forward on my alternate path. :)

Thanks for bearing with me on such a long, long post. I guess I had a lot to say tonight!

RE ultrasound - great results!

2011-02-21T09:20:00.000-08:00

Hi, all.

It is 12dpo for me, and since I had not yet ovulated according to all signs (negative OPKs, lack of temperature spike), I went ahead with my RE appointment to see how the Femara worked on my cycle this time around.

Ovaries: Doc said they look "healthy and normal."

Lining: Doc said there was a "nice lining" with "nice triple-layers." I'm kicking myself that I didn't think to have him measure how thick it was, but he seemed pleased with it, so I'm sure it was normal. (BTW, I had no idea a lining had "layers." Something else for me to google now.)

Follicles: Left ovary had one measuring 15, which he didn't think would ripen enough to release in a mature state ("but it could happen," he said doubtfully). He said they like to see eggs at 23 (either that, or they are considered mature at 23, I guess I should've gotten more clarification on that), so 15 is rather off the mark. HOWEVER, the right ovary is a champ this cycle! The doc seemed pretty excited to see two big follies, at 21 and 22. He said usually just one will dominate, but two is a great result for Femara. He says that the trigger shot will make both eggs ovulate (yay!!!! twice the chance of getting knocked up!!! and maybe even a bonus chance for twins, which would be awesome, IMO!!!!), assuming I don't get the LH surge on my own before I take the trigger shot.

I am hoping and praying that the LH holds off until it's time for me to take the shot, which is (at the earliest) tomorrow morning. Then, we're supposed to have timed intercourse 36 hours later, so, Wednesday evening. We're also supposed to DTD tonight in order to "clean out the pipes" and have a fresh batch of swimmers for the main event on Wednesday. The timing does present a bit of a difficulty, as Drew works evenings and doesn't get home until 11pm, usually, BUT, I'm pretty sure we can make it work. The other option is to wait until tomorrow evening to trigger and then DTD on Thursday morning (his day off, so easier for him). However, this increases the chances of my ovulating on my own first, which I'd rather not.

I mean, it's not a tragedy if I ovulate on my own ...we just go ahead and DTD as soon as possible and hope for the best. But I don't know if both eggs will drop if I ovulate on my own (though I don't see why they both wouldn't drop, since they're both big, right?), so I'd love to have the assurance of the trigger for that. Also, the doc said that the 36 hour window ensures that the eggs have enough time to truly mature (during that time, they apparently strip out half of the DNA, 46, in order to leave on 23 chromosomes that are ready to join with the sperm...never heard that one before. More to google).

Also complicated the situation is the fact that Drew is currently working in a city 2 hours from here, so I will have to hop in the car today to get there this evening. I'll probably stay over there, head back here in the morning, then drive down there again on Wednesday evening. (Sure, I could just stay over, but I don't want to be away from home for 3 nights when it's only a 2 hour drive.) Yeesh, who knew TTC would be so complicated, right? LOL...but hey, I'm really happy to even have the opportunity to give it a shot with Drew (pun acknowledged), and that my results on the u/s were so good, so I'm not complaining!

Anyhow, here's hoping that this week is the week we make a baby...or two!!!! :D

AF, Femara, and Other News

2011-02-11T09:24:00.000-08:00

Hi, ladies.

Well, AF showed up even earlier than expected, cutting off my last cycle at only 24 days (11 day follicular phase (O on CD11), 13 day luteal phase). So, I just picked up my prescription for Femara, prescribed by my RE. I'll be taking 5mg from CD3 - CD7, then will have an ultrasound around CD10 or 11, I believe (waiting for a callback from the doc to confirm that). Luckily, the Femara was only $10, thanks to the amazing coupon on the drug's own website (it's normally $175!!!), so I'm really stoked about that. Also on the way is my HcG trigger shot, which rung in at $59 for the generic (as opposed to $120 for the name brand). I should get it today, and will administer the shot myself when the time is right (which we'll know after my ultrasound). FWIW, the trigger causes ovulation to happen 36 hours after the shot is administered. The ultrasound will run around $385, if I recall the number correctly.

So, for this cycle, I'm looking at a grand total of about $454, plus a little extra for shipping (I had the trigger expressed). It's a bit of a pill to swallow re: the cost, BUT, it was my choice to do the ultrasound and trigger this time around. I decided I wanted to know for sure what things are looking like in there, and the ultrasound will be able to tell me how my body is responding to the medication (how many follicles, how big, how my lining looks, etc.). If everything checks out well this cycle, I think I'll feel pretty confident in future cycles (if needed; let's hope they're not) just using the Femara and skipping the ultrasound/trigger. Drew and I haven't had any problem targeting my O date and making sure to BD around that time, so we should be fine just going back to the usual OPKs and BTB charting which we've used up until now.

I'm hopeful that this upcoming cycle might be the one for me. I get the feeling that my body responds to "new." For example, Drew and I got a BFP the first cycle we tried...all those swimmers were "new" to the environment. Well, that's my theory, anyway. ;) Here's hoping the "newness" of the Femara will be enough to bring my body around to a successful BFP, and a healthy baby in nine months time.

Always one to hedge my bets, however, I've also taken steps along another path to motherhood. I've begun the process of becoming a foster/adoptive parent. I'll need to take a 36-hour training course to begin with, and I chose to attend the session beginning in late March. That will give me enough time to get through the first round of Femara and see whether it worked or not. It'll also give me more time to get my house in order, get taxes done, etc. I'll need to have a home inspection as part of the process, and they'll also want to see my financial records, so I need to check those things off my list. I figure by the time I get through the paperwork and the whole process, my next six month period of TTC with Drew will be overwith or nearly overwith, so at that point, it will be time for me to make a decision on whether to continue TTC or to take the alternate path. I'm not projecting any thoughts or feelings about that right now, but rather, just taking things as they come each cycle.

Anyway, it is an exciting time for me right now, and I am feeling pretty positive, knowing that one way or another, I should be able to become a parent. Much as I want the experience of being pregnant and giving birth, the idea of fostering/adopting also has some advantages, too...not the least of which is giving a home to a child who needs one. :)

Blessings to all!

Ouch!

2011-02-04T15:29:00.000-08:00

8dpo today, and I definitely had stabbing pains in my breasts...not just the usual dull soreness. I hate to get my hopes up, but it's the first real symptom I've had since my m/c cycle in June. Other than that, no real symptoms except that I've been rather hungry this week.

It sure would be nice to get a BFP this time around, not only to save myself the costs associated with the upcoming RE procedures (meds, ultrasound), but also because a number of women I'm on the chat boards with all got their BFP this cycle...like 4 women out of 10, I think! Crazy. I would so love to hop on that bandwagon, lol. Here's hoping!

I will probably start testing at 10dpo as always, every 2 days until AF arrives.

RE appt #2 - The Post-Coital Test

2011-01-28T14:34:00.000-08:00

And yes, it was just as sexy as it sounds. After DTD for 3 days leading up to ovulation, I went in this afternoon and the doc took a sample and we looked at it under the microscopic. Pretty cool, actually. There were some swimmers actively running around, a few going in circles (with crooked heads), and some no longer motile (been in there too long and gave up). There were also what he called "defender cells" and a cervical cell we looked at (saw the nucleus and everything)...all of which was normal, according to the doc. He also said that the sample was "good, very good," and that there was a higher sperm count than the average sample. (Average: 2-3 swimmers per viewable screen, wheres my sample had 4-5). We also established that I am not killing the little guys off (no hostile environment), so that's good. All in all, we passed the test with flying colors.

I've decided to give my first medicated round a go with the ultrasound and trigger after all. I'd like to know what's going on in there, just to make sure everything is normal. Of course, if we get lucky, we won't need to do anything next cycle, as here I am, back in the 2WW again.

Overall, an interesting appointment, but also kinda icky. Looking at little swimming sperm on a screen and thinking, That could've been my baby is just a little bit freaky.

First RE appointment was today

2011-01-20T10:56:00.000-08:00

Hi, all.

Well, I finally have something interesting to write about besides DTD and the 2WW, LOL. Today was my first appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist.

We will start with the post-coital test next week after I ovulate, and go from there. Likely course of treatment will be Femara, with no monitoring or triggers. We are hoping that the Femara will lengthen my follicular phase a bit (from 10-11 days to 12-13 at least), giving follicles more time to grow and eggs more time to mature. Trigger and ultrasound seem unnecessary IMO b/c I ovulate regularly and OPKs work well at catching the surge for me. However, I may decide to try the trigger/ultrasound once (the cycle after next; this cycle is unmedicated so we'll still just try the old-fashioned way), just so I can get an initial reading on how many follicles I produce, how mature they are, what my lining looks like, etc. We hypothesized that my lining may be a bit insufficient, due to my rather short/scanty AF. I wouldn't mind knowing for sure what conditions are like in there, at least once, early on in the medical process.

Doc also suggested an HSG, but I declined for now due to the cost (my insurance won't cover it), plus the fact that I did get pregnant over the summer. The sucky part is that according to his math, there is only an 8% chance of getting PG each month (11% using the trigger). What if we used up our 8% on my early loss cycle, and we have to keep trying and trying and trying? :( I'm hoping it doesn't come to that and that we get a BFP sooner rather than later. (Who doesn't hope that, duh!) My current plan is to try for six months with low-invasive procedures (just femara; possibly trigger once or twice). After that, I'll reevaulate if needed.

The good news is that the doc said my numbers generally look good (AMH a little low, but normal). He said that if I was coming in for IVF, he would predict that I'd produce around 15 eggs or more. That's pretty good, right?! IVF is not for me, though, given the cost. :(

Another nice thing is that when he was filling out my paperwork during the interview, he asked, "And so how old are you? Twenty...?" He apparently thought I looked like I was in my 20s, lol. Nice. I'm 39, doc! LMAO

Drew and I will be trying again next week, so wish us lots and lots of babydust. Hope you are all well out there in reader-land.

Two Week Wait, Take Six -- Wandering Thoughts

2010-12-29T17:58:00.000-08:00

I believe the title says it all. ;)

I have my appointment scheduled with the RE for Jan. 20, so if this cycle isn't the lucky one, at least I'll be getting underway with the next step...and hopefully forward progress.

Beyond TTC, lately I've been thinking about the alternatives, especially becoming a foster parent and/or adopting. There are definitely a lot of kids out there who could use a family, so it's something that has been on my mind. I think if Drew and I don't succeed after 6 months or so of medical intervention, I may move on to other options and give up on the TTC route. (Unless, I guess, we just keep on trying while also pursuing other paths.) I can't see myself spending thousands of dollars on IVF, for example, when that kind of money could go toward a child already needing a family, and when there's no guarantee IVF would work. An IVF = several months' worth of salary for me, so it would be a real hardship. It's one thing to pay a few hundred bucks to try Clomid and some ultrasounds, but another to put my financial security at that much risk. :( Anyhow, not getting my BFP over these past several months has definitely made me realize that although I do want the experience of being pregnant and having a child of my own flesh and blood, having a child to love at all is the most important thing to me.

Who knows what the future may bring...

Two Week Wait, Take Five

2010-12-07T17:14:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am again at the "dreaded" Two Week Wait, after 1 miscarriage (and a possible second chemical last month) and 6+ months of riding the TTC roller coaster. Sometimes I second-guess myself about taking the summer off after the m/c, but my acupuncturist advised it, and anyway, what's done is done. So here I am, moving on again.

Timing was good with Drew. Looks like we hit O minus 2, O minus 1, and O-day itself as well, assuming I ovulated sometime in the last 24 hours. My OPKs were light yesterday morning (surge beginning), then a sure positive in the afternoon, and back to stark negative this morning, so ovulation was probably in the evening or overnight. (Wouldn't you say?) Unfortunately, my temps have been erratic due to poor sleep and sleeping in a colder room than usual (I was visiting Drew this time instead of the other way around, and his house is simply colder than mine is.) This morning my temp was super low in the wee hours (like, even lower than my usual low pre-O temps), but then it jumped 0.8 degrees by the time I was ready to get out of bed for coffee (4 hours later). I don't know for sure if that was the start of the post-O temperature jump, or if it was just my usual temperature rising for the day. Tomorrow should give me a clearer picture, now that I'm back home and back to normal. I think it was probably the post-O jump, which would mean I ovulated between day 10 and 11. One thing that's been on my mind lately has been whether ovulating so soon in the cycle is producing poor or immature eggs. So, if Drew and I aren't successful in the next two rounds, that is definitely something I'll be asking the RE about.

My testing day will be a day or two before Christmas. Wish me luck!

Sorry so rambling today...just kind of letting my thoughts flow to get them down on paper.

Getting ready to try again - question for everyone

2010-12-03T07:14:00.000-08:00

Visit with Drew will be from Dec. 5-7, in his town. I've been lucky that he's been able to travel here for more than half of our visits, but it's my turn to travel now. I'll keep you all updated if there's any news to tell.

This will be our 5th attempt, with 1 m/c the first cycle. I also really wonder if I had another chemical this past month. I had non-imaginary sore boobs (actual pains, not just general soreness), as well as sharp pinching sensations about 5-6 dpo, similar to what I had during our BFP cycle. I am starting to be a bit concerned that perhaps there is some problem maintaining a pregnancy. I seem to have a normal luteal phase (14 days, every cycle), though my follicular cycle is a little on the short side (I usually ovulate on day 11 or 12). This has me wondering if my eggs mature enough when they are released. Any comments on this?

I've been taking very low doses of royal jelly and maca, as well as a greens supplement (spirulina, wheat grass, etc.) to try to improve egg quality for about the last month. I've also been eating organic, avoiding caffeine and alcohol, and trying to destress through yoga and meditation.

My plan is to see an RE after our 6th cycle if we haven't gotten our BFP yet. Even though my test numbers were very good (all in the normal range), I am 39, and I know a lot can change in a few months. (I had the tests run in the spring.) I don't really think anything is wrong, because I am very healthy (I hardly ever even get a cold), but it might be reassuring to have an ultrasound to find out how many follicles, how big, condition of ovaries, etc. I hate the idea of the expense, though, as I will probably be paying for most of it out of pocket. FYI, I've had regular OBGYN exams for the past several years, and have never had any signs of PCOS, endo, etc.

So what do you think? Am I probably A-OK and just need to be patient? Or does it seem likely that there might be a problem? I'd appreciate your opinions.

Hopeful signs?

2010-11-18T12:02:00.000-08:00

Hi, all.

Well, I am 7dpo, and like all crazy women in the 2WW, I am analyzing every little twinge and finding signs everywhere. I have been reluctant to post about such signs, as the past few cycles have been BFNs, so you always have to wonder if "it's all in your head." However, I have to say that I've had a plethora of signs this time, so I guess I'll just give a tiny write-up about it here.

Physical symptoms: At 5dpo, I experienced a localized pinching feeling in my left abdomen. The only other time I've felt this was the cycle I had my BFP/early loss. Can't really say any other physical symptoms have leapt out at me, though, as I am not super fatigued like I was then, nor have I had the stabbing pains in my breasts that I did then. So, it could be a hopeful sign, but I'm not counting it as a sure thing by any means. (Caveat: I started using a natural progesterone cream after ovulation, just a small dose, which I believe has brought on some symptoms of breast tingling, etc., in the cycles I've used it. So, that could be affecting the ovarian symptoms, too.)
All of the 11/11 references (including ovulating on 11/11), which I wrote about in my previous post.
Had another dream two nights ago about bears. You may recall that I had a very significant (IMO) dream during my BFP cycle in which I was visited by a bear. In that dream, the bear (a female brown bear) pursued me gently around a tree (I was trying to stay away from her, though we had a undeniable connection), so she wandered off and left me alone. In my recent dream, however, I dreamed that I was petting/scratching the furry head of a baby bear, and it was very friendly and mild toward me. I think I was going off in search of the adult bears after that, but the memory is foggy. Now, you may not know this, but I consider the bear to be my totem animal. So, looking back at these two dreams, I might equate the mother bear leaving to the fact that I had my BFP for just a moment, but then lost it. Hopefully, this might mean that the baby bear dream means that this time, my own little bear is here to stay...
In another odd, odd coincidence with signs from the first BFP cycle, I once again drew the same significant card from my tarot deck that I did then. (It's not really a tarot deck, but it's like one). The card is called "The Offering," and in it, a woman is surrounded by symbols of fertility (flowers and jewels) and is being offered the "wealth" of a suitor on bended knee. Not only did I draw this card, but I drew it twice in a row, after reshuffling the deck thoroughly.
Thanksgiving is my favorite day of the year, and that's 14dpo for me...my testing date.
Anyone who follows astrology seriously probably knows that we are entering a fast-forward time of change now that planets are leaving retrograde. I won't get into all the details (as I only read about the stuff, not memorize it, lol), but today is supposed to be the beginning of big things for people. The last 3 months or so have been reflective and getting things together, and now is the time for new plans or endeavors to begin in earnest. At least so far as I understand it.

I know, I am absolutely batshit crazy. I just can't help hoping, though, and I guess that looking for signs helps me to keep hope alive.

Oh yes, and one more thing. Tonight I have scheduled a session of reiki with a good friend. She also worked on my during my BFP cycle, at almost exactly the same point in my cycle. (Although I didn't have my O-date pinned then, she probably worked on me at 8-9dpo.) During that session, before I knew I was pregnant, she said she felt things going on in my left abdominal area, like little twinges. Just like the pinches I'd been having! (This, without me telling her any of my symptoms; she doesn't even know I'm trying.)

Babydust to all...

11/11 - Time to try again?!

2010-11-09T14:19:00.001-08:00

Well, ladies, looks like my O date should be this Thursday -- 11/11. Good sign, or what?

I have a friend who is totally into the 11:11 thing, and I've always thought it was a little silly (says the lady who takes dream interpretation quasi-seriously, lol). BUT, I have to say, if I get pregnant this cycle, I may have to give it a little more credence. At least twice this week I have glanced at the clock to find the number reading 11:11, and then my O date being 11/11? Could be coincidence, of course, but I like these kind of coincidences. :)

One other nice sign this week was the first sighting of my favorite constellation, Orion, which appears in the sky here in the winter. I saw it at 6:00 am this morning.

Here's hoping it's my turn!

Probably out this cycle

2010-10-30T06:06:00.000-07:00

2 BNFs at 10 dpo and 12 dpo, and my temperatures started dropping yesterday (12 dpo). I saw the same pattern last month, which was a BFN, and I'm not experiencing any pregnancy symptoms, so I think I'm out.

Next attempt is Nov. 10-12. Here we go again!

(I know, it ain't over till it's over, but I'm pretty sure it's over.)

Ho hum, waiting

2010-10-22T07:22:00.000-07:00

Not much to report, ladies. I am in the 2WW at 5dpo right now, and will probably test on Halloween or Nov. 1 (or, let's face it, earlier, lol).

I think I will know before that, though. When I got my BFP in June, I had distinct implantation twinges. Didn't have any last cycle, and got a BFN. So, I think I'll "know" based on what happens in the next 5-7 days.

AF here and gone

2010-10-11T06:35:00.000-07:00

Hi, all.

Sorry I didn't have time to update recently on my 2WW. Aunt Flo has come and gone, so we will be trying again this weekend.

For everyone out there in TTC land, good luck!

FREE baby gear!!! (AKA, My First Baby Purchase!)

2010-10-01T19:34:00.001-07:00

I swore I wasn't going to buy anything until I was out of the first trimester (and here I am without even a sticky BFP yet), but I broke down and bought something because it was such a great deal (details below). Two things, actually. A Seven Slings baby sling, and an UdderCovers breastfeeding cover. They were both FREE...just pay for shipping (about $12 each).

Get yours using the code *babies* at
www.SevenSlings.com and
www.UdderCovers.com

I ordered two days ago and already got my sling. Looks like it should fit great! Yay!

In other news, I am 9dpo and have no news to report. I am tempted to test tomorrow but feel like it is just too soon. I am going to try to hold out until 14dpo, when AF would be due.

1DPO and I'm already hallucinating. Awesome.

2010-09-23T11:11:00.000-07:00

So it is ONE, yes ONE day past (unconfirmed) ovulation, and I swear I had breast tingling and pains this afternoon. Do you think your body could "know" from the moment egg meets sperm?

Here's the timeline:
CD 10 (Monday): ovulation imminent, DTD with Drew in the evening, Negative OPK.
CD 11 (Tuesday) : DTD in the morning. Negative OPK.
CD 12 (Wednesday): DTD in the morning. Positive OPK.
CD 13 (today): Positive OPK this morning, even darker lines. Breasts tingling this afternoon.

I think I must have ovulated between yesterday and today. Assuming I did, there should've been plenty of swimmers waiting in the wings, since we started trying three days ago. That being the case, I guess it's possible the egg could be fertilized almost immediately once out of the starting gate...what do you think?

I would say "Am I crazy?" but I said the same thing last time I thought I was imagining things...when I got my BFP in June.

I can see it's going to be a looooooooooooong Two-Week Wait! (BTW, this is the first month I'm keeping temps, so I should be able to confirm ovulation in about 2 more days.)

Tonight's the Night!

2010-09-20T11:41:00.000-07:00

Drew and I will begin trying again this evening. I'm on CD10, expecting ovulation anytime from CD11-13. We plan to try tonight, tomorrow (possibly morning and evening), and Wednesday. (Can't do Thursday for logistical reasons.)

I plan to use PreSeed and the Instead cups again, since they may have helped out last time when we got a BFP. This time, I've also added some progesterone cream to the mix, which I'll start using probably 2 days after ovulation.

Here's hoping! Wish us luck.

Another Interesting Dream

2010-09-09T05:42:00.000-07:00

I'm sure y'all think I'm a fruitcake for how many dream interpretation and New Age type posts I write, but what can I say? This is where I journal those things, and if I don't write 'em down, I won't remember 'em! ;p

So here's another.

Overall feel of the dream: very pleasant, almost wondrous :)

I was sitting at an outdoor (plastic/casual) patio table. There were a few friends or family there, but I don't remember who, and they weren't central to the dream. Out of nowhere, there appeared to me a very unusual egg-shaped fruit, bright yellow-orange, lying on the white table. I had been turned away to look at something, and when I turned back, there it was. The fruit looked almost crumbly, as if it was made up of a thousand luminous, opaque pomegranate seeds. One by one, I began to crumble away the seeds, discarding them. The fruit seemed to take on a life of its own, trembling, and I placed it on the ground. Suddenly, a tiny, downy head popped up from the unfolding fruit. It was a soft, yellow bird with a grey beak and a long neck (almost a cross between a baby swan and a chick).

I knew that this chick was meant to come to me. I had been waiting for it.

I was happy, and watched the chick with fascination. It ran around the patio, exploring; playing in the flower boxes on the wrought iron fence next to my table; venturing out beneath the decorative barrier to take a gander at the world outside. Always, it was in my sight and came back to me periodically. There were many moments where we gazed into each other's eyes, learning each other and bonding, just savoring being together. Throughout the course of the dream, the chick metamorphosed into a plump, healthy-looking, very fluffy chick with down the color of a deep spring-green.

(This is the end of the dream as I remember it.)

Many of the symbols in the dream were obvious to me immediately upon waking as indicators of fertility: fruit (shaped like an egg, no less), the baby chick, and the color green in particular. The fact that it was a happy dream and that I knew the chick was coming to me makes it almost feel like it is inevitable that yes, I will have a baby! :)

As always, I looked up many of the aspects of the dream, and here is what I found:

Fruit: To see fruit in your dream, signifies growth, abundance and financial gain. They also symbolize lust and sexuality. If the fruit is ripe, then it represents fertility and conception. You desire a child or you are ready to have a child.

Eggs: To see or eat eggs in your dream, symbolize fertility, birth and your creative potential. Something new is about to happen.To see bright colored eggs in your dream, symbolizes celebration of a happy event.

Yellow: The color yellow has both positive and negative connotations. If the dream is a pleasant one, then the color yellow is symbolic of intellect, energy, agility, happiness, harmony, and wisdom.

Green: Green signifies a positive change, good health, growth, fertility, healing, hope, vigor, vitality, peace, and serenity. The appearance of the color may also be a way of telling you to "go ahead". Alternatively, green is a metaphor for a lack of experience in some task.

In general, the animals in your dreams represent your more primal instincts that are repressed in your waking life.

Baby animal: Promise, hope, potential, new beginnings. Vulnerability. Innocence. The need for care and nurturing.

Chicken: Fertility, the power of creativity and the feminine. For more clues, pay attention to what the animal was doing or any particular characteristic that stood out. Young or half grown chickens, signify fortunate enterprises, but to make them so you will have to exert your physical strength.

Energy Reading

2010-09-03T19:24:00.000-07:00

Occasionally, I attend a meditation circle. Tonight was one of those nights. What's interesting about the circle is at the end of each session's guided meditation, the group's leader does a "reading" for each person who wants one. Using her spirit guide, she interprets the energy she sees in connection with each person. Yes, very New Age-y, it's true.

Her reading for me, though, was quite interesting, indeed. The crux of the message was this: "You are impatient right now for what is next. Things will take off for you in mid- to late September. Sometimes we need to go to the edge of what we know in order to move on to what's next. Move to the edge of what you know, and keep walking forward into the unknown. Oh, and you can do it; you're good enough."

These ideas really struck a chord in me.

Impatient for what's to come next? You bet! I've been waiting since JUNE to try again, after my miscarriage (giving my body time to recover and the acupuncture time to work its magic).
Mid- to late September? I should be ovulating around the 21st-23rd, so that's dead on. And FINALLY, it will be time to try again!
The edge of what I know? Let's call that singlehood. Moving on into "what's next, the unknown," would be motherhood.
"You're good enough." As you know if you've read last month's posts, I sometimes have these little bouts of self-questioning...Is this really something I should be doing? Can I really do it? Etc., etc.

This was just the message I needed to hear, and along with a few other little signs that have come my way this week, it seems that my resolve has been shored up once more. So, onward we march! And soon, in just 2-3 weeks, Drew and I will get to try again. Wish us luck!

Silent Retreat...At Last, I Speak

2010-08-29T20:03:00.001-07:00

Hi, all. I know some of you have been waiting to hear how things went at the meditation retreat. I haven't written about it because I'm still not sure how to sum it up. I will point you in the direction of another blog posting here, which gives a very detailed account of what one of the retreats is like. I had similar experiences to this author...for example, when she (?) talks about the sensations she feels on day 7. Here's one example:

I get the feeling I could dip my forearm into a field of sensation, I do so, and it works - my forearm explodes into a tingling, fizzy awareness.

So, if you want some well-written nitty-gritty, read her whole account and you'll have a good idea of what the experience was like.

Now here's my story.
As for my take on the retreat, I both enjoyed it and unenjoyed it. I think the techniques I learned were invaluable, and much of it mirrored a relaxation technique I've actually been practicing for 20+ years now. However, the Vipassana technique is much more systematic and does allow me achieve greater relaxation and calmness, as well as much more heightened sensations throughout the body. I have continued to meditate some since I got back, and will try to keep it up into the future.

Unfortunately, I did not make it through the whole 10 days. I think maybe, just six weeks after my miscarriage, my body was not ready for such an intense experience. Where we were located, it was quite hot and muggy. One of the participant's dorm room registered 87 degrees, according to her multi-function clock...there was no A/C in the buildings, except for in the dining hall. Also, the only time we really had to exercise was at lunchtime, during the heat of the day. Basically, between the heat, the strenuous exertions of the meditation (yes, it was strenuous!), and the drastic changes in diet and sleep (2-3 hours less sleep per night due to the very early mornings: 4:00 am was first bell; also, all vegetarian food, with only fruit and milk for dinner), the retreat as a whole was too stressful on my body. Although the staff there did what they could to accommodate me (including giving me extra food in the evening before bed, at my request, to keep my blood sugar normalized), I found that my blood pressure was out of control (mostly due to heat and exertion) and that I was getting dizzy (from the uncontrolled blood pressure, the heat, the exertion, the lack of sleep...)

In short, I decided at the end of the 6th full day to leave the retreat in order to come back to my home, where I could control my environment and make sure my body was healthy. My priority was to keep myself in top condition so that I could try to conceive again in the near future, and I felt that staying any longer would just result in bad consequences...passing out, exhaustion, whatever. It was a very difficult decision, since the finish line was really in sight...only a few more days...and since I know I was really doing well at the meditation in terms of progress with sensations, etc. The bull-headed part of me wanted to stay and finish it out, but my gut was telling me to get the hell out of Dodge, and I pretty much always listen to my gut...it's rarely steered me wrong.

What I Learned
I did learn a lot and think the retreat and technique would be useful for someone who is ready for it. I don't think I prepared myself well enough for it in terms of background information or knowing what to expect. I wanted to "go in blind" and just see what the experience was all about, without any preconceived notions. Now, however, I think that wasn't the best strategy. Perhaps if I had known how intense the physical sensations would become, etc., I might have chosen to wait for a time when I had more fortitude, or I might have chosen a different season of the year, rather than the blaze of summer.

I am extremely glad I read "The Art of Living" before attending the retreat, at least, as it gave me pretty much all the background I needed in terms of vocabulary and the basic information we were taught. We had video lectures each evening, which were very hard to understand due to the guru's extremely thick Indian accent. If I hadn't already read about what he was discussing, I think I would not have understood it at all and would have been very frustrated.

I also learned that I should not have tried so hard to stick to the schedule and the rules as they laid them down. Beginning on day 3, I started using some of our private meditation time to get more sleep, to do yoga to stretch out my very sore body (we were not supposed to do yoga for some unexplained reason), and basically be gentler to my body and not put it through so much stress. While it may not seem stressful to basically sit for 10 hours a day, you would be amazed at how painful it can actually be. I was in knots by day 2, to the point where I broke down sobbing in the group meditation. (I had not been the first to do so, either.) Let me be clear, though: physical discomfort was expected, and it is actually a fairly important and necessary part of the whole meditation technique...there is a purpose to it, so I'm not complaining about it. The aches did, however, interfere (IMO) with my practice of the technique itself. This was, to a great part, remedied, as I asked for a chair in the meditation hall, rather than sitting on the floor. (This was permitted for anyone who needed one, and several people used them.) Hmm, getting a bit off track here...my main point is that, knowing what I know now, if I were to do it again, I would do more to ensure that my body was receiving the rest and nurturing it needed. I guess I learned that my 39-year-old body can't take the abuse I used to give it in my 20s when I was living overseas in the Third World. (Long story, and for another time.) I used to be able to bear a lot more, but in this instance, I needed to recognize my limitations and let go of the rigidity of the schedule and rules. If I had done so sooner (instead of being so concerned with doing things "by the book"), I might have made it through the whole retreat.

Anyhow, I'm sorry if that's all rather rambling. I hope it, to some extent, explains what the retreat was like for me. I did really find it valuable, and maybe someday, I might try it again. I'm going to take a long, long time to study background information about meditation, Buddhism, and similar subjects before I try tackling such a feat again.

Going Off the Grid

2010-08-04T06:56:00.000-07:00

Hi, ladies.

I will be offline until August 16, beginning today. I am attending a 10-day silent meditation retreat, which I've been looking forward to for several months. No phone, no computers, no books, no writing materials...just myself, my thoughts, and the practice of meditation. There will be many other participants there, but the idea is to proceed as if we are alone--no eye contact, gestures, or communication of any kind is the directive. We'll be rising at 4:30 every day, meditating for 10 hours (in blocks of 1-2 hours), and eating only vegetarian meals (breakfast, lunch, tea/fruit in the evening).

I am sure this is going to be tough, but I know that I need the break from work and "real life," and I hope that this prolonged time of silence will give me a chance to get my head around everything that has been going on in my life and everything that may come to pass in the next year. My hope is to learn to calm the mind and release worries/fears that do nothing for me but create unhappiness. Mind you, I do not consider myself to be an unhappy person; I am just so fatigued right now...it's like my brain is worn out and in desperate need of a recharge. Hopefully, that's what I'll get during this retreat. If nothing else, I guess it will be one to chalk up as a unique experience. Let's just hope I have the patience to make it through!

Best to everyone while I am on sabbatical.

Depressed

2010-07-28T06:41:00.000-07:00

Oh ladies, I have been so depressed lately. :( Mr. Charming is being transferred to another state, which will basically spell the end of our relationship. I've always known it would end at some point, but I sure wish that point wasn't now. I think I would take it better if I hadn't had the miscarriage, but once he leaves I will feel more alone than ever. No man, no baby... :( Wah!!!!

Lately I have even been questioning myself about the baby! Why do I want a baby? I think the answer to that question is because I need to have *somebody* in my life that I am allowed to love without restrictions. Then when I think about that idea, I think, how selfish is that? Having a baby so you have somebody to love? What's wrong with just giving more love to the people already in your life, or with sharing the love with people who need help, or even with adopting a child who could really use some love? I feel selfish when I think about having a baby (especially since we will never be well-off, so my child will have neither father nor money to make things easier--yes, Drew would be around, but we don't know how much). And then when you add in the fear of finances, it all gets muddier. How can I juggle both my own retirement as well as the costs of raising a child? I probably won't be able to pay for college for him or her--is that even fair?

Anyway, my mind is just in turmoil for these last few weeks as I have been working through all these issues. I guess I will have lots more time to sort it out, since Drew and I won't be able to try again until the end of August or later (due to conflicting schedules and also I'm still taking a break to recover from the miscarriage). In the meantime, I will try to answer the questions that I can. Step number one will be getting a financial advisor to help me make a plan and "get my house in order." I think if I can figure out my long-term finances, I will feel much more secure and confident in moving forward.

Any words of encouragement and comfort are appreciated. I am so sad right now. :(

Aunt Flo--the results

2010-07-25T11:15:00.000-07:00

TMI alert. Just sayin'.

Not much change in the duration of the period just yet, it turns out. Aunt Flo was here 3 days only, pretty light on day 3. Same as usual, though the flow was definitely different (more watery & brighter in color). I have some *very* light spotting today, so I guess I could imagine that it's the 4th day, but I think that would be a stretch.

Anyhoo, I am moving on to the next phase of herbs, which I started taking when my period finished and will take all month until my next period. For anyone who's curious, the supplements are called Conceigen No. 2, by HerbKing. (I took Conceigen No. 1 before and during my period.)

We'll see what the next cycle brings, and whether Aunt Flo strengthens and lengthens.

Woohoo--acupuncture is paying off!

2010-07-22T07:34:00.000-07:00

Hi, all.

I think I can now report with some confidence that acupuncture has definitely had positive results for me so far. I've completed 4 sessions in the last 6 weeks (now going weekly), and my results have been this:

LONGER CYCLE! This was my #1 hope, as my cycle has been short on average, at only 25 days. Aunt Flo arrived today, on day 28 (now day 1 of the new cycle), so that means my just-finished cycle was 27 days long! Since I most likely ovulated on day 13, my luteal phase was probably a full two weeks, exactly what I wanted.
BETTER SLEEP. I have definitely been sleeping more deeply. I wake up from deeper sleep (groggier...I know I was sleeping more deeply than before), and I wake up fewer times during the night. I'm up about once or twice now. Used to be, I was up every 2-3 hours during the night, so 2-4 times on average.
MORE LUBRICATED. Throughout my cycle (and sexual activities) there has been a very noticeable increase in fluids of all sorts...cervical mucus, lubrication during intercourse, and (if you read my previous postings, you'll know) even female ejaculatory fluid (something I had never experienced before!).

I'm curious to see how long my period will be now. It is usually just 2 days, with a 3rd day of light spotting. I'm hoping for a 4 day period. I know, how twisted is that? I'm hoping for a longer period. If it's longer, that should mean that my lining was thicker and richer...exactly what may be needed in order to support a healthy pregnancy and not have another miscarriage.

If you are thinking about acupuncture, I do encourage you to try it. But make sure to find someone who will take the time to talk to you and work with you, not just someone who'll stick needles in and run out the door. Note: my acupuncturist always uses electric stimulation on my needles, which is supposed to increase the effectiveness and shorten the time it takes to achieve improvements in the body.

WHY must we be SMCs???

2010-07-14T06:23:00.000-07:00

In response to Hopeful's blog post here.

Hopeful, you took the words right out of my mouth. Believe me, I have had at least a thousand moments where I thought angrily how unfair it is that "everyone else" has that "normal life" and someone to lean on, have babies with, grow old with, etc. Why is it that *I* should be the one who doesn't get to experience that kind of happiness?!?

HOWEVER, I also know that I'm in this position because of the choices I've made. I've had my chances and did not pursue them. Either the men or the timing wasn't right, and I let them go and moved on. I also could have "trapped" my ex-bf (Drew, my known donor) into that whole "forever" picture by getting pregnant while we were together. It would have been easy enough to do by lying about my cycle, and he is such an honorable guy that I'm sure he would have "done the right thing." But I could never bring myself to do that. For me, such an action would have been wrong...living honestly and choosing my actions with integrity are what allow me to feel proud of myself instead of regretful or ashamed. Moreover, had I chosen one of the earlier paths open to me, I believe I would not be as happy now as I am. I would have missed out on so much LIVING that has been important to my own personal growth and in fulfilling the dreams I've had ever since I was a little girl.

And now, I'm in a place where I believe I've fulfilled those dreams. I believe I am on the right path in my personal development, too. I can see my life unfolding before me, and I feel fairly confident in finding my way safely and securely, even if it's on my own. So I ask myself, what else do I want from life? My answers are:

A lasting romantic relationship
A child of my own
A secure and comfortable retirement
The ability to live my life in my own way

When I look at these desires--really quite basic and universal desires, I think--I realize that I can take charge of fulfilling them all...with the exception of the relationship, which isn't something that can be controlled necessarily. But can I have a child? Yes! Dream fulfilled. Can I have a good retirement? Yes! Goal achieved. Can I live my life my own way? Yes! Especially if I remain single--and that's a hard idea to accept, given that I want to find love in my life, too.

But the truth is, we can often make ourselves happier by remaining single, because once we're in a relationship, we spend our time trying to make him happy. Don't we, ladies? (Be honest.) And while we hope that he will do the same (try to make us happy), it's also a common truth that men often don't succeed in that objective in the way that we would like them to, for whatever reason. (Be it that we don't speak the same love language, that we don't tell him what we need to be happy but suffer in silence, etc.)

For me, I know that I'm uncompromising, and that it would have been difficult to live fully while having to give up this thing or that thing (as you often must do in marriage...usually it's giving up a piece of yourself for "his sake"). I believe I would have felt very frustrated and unfulfilled personally (even though I might have been otherwise fulfilled romantically or even through having children by now). One way or the other, I would have had some kind of frustration or lack of fulfillment right now in my life, whatever path I had chosen. I think that's just the human condition. Do I wish my life had gone otherwise? Maybe. It would be nice to be married with kids now. But do I regret that my life has gone the way it has? No. It's been a great life, and I've arrived at a place where I am very happy with myself and my future prospects.

So now it's time to make myself even happier--by having a child! That is within my control, whether or not I have a man in my life. Yes, there will be some awkwardness and hardship involved, but when I think of my child's face beaming up into mine and the love that I will feel for him or her, those awkward roadblocks somehow fade away and become unimportant. Is my baby worth enduring a little embarrassment and discomfort? You bet. I'm strong enough to take it...I believe every SMC is strong enough to take it, or we wouldn't have considered this path in the first place. Whenever someone pities you, you can be content knowing how wrong they are--you have made your own dream come true, and that is nothing to be pitied, but rather something to take pride in.

One other thing to consider is this: just because we may have a baby on our own, that doesn't mean we won't find love at some point in our lives...maybe even not too long after we have our children. I think there are lots of men out there who are looking for a good woman to date and fall in love with, but they are done having their own children. If they've got their kids, and we've got ours, the pressure is off on that front, and we can just look at men again as potential mates, rather than potential fathers.

Oh yeah, and here's something else: we don't have the bitterness of divorce or ugly custody arrangements to deal with, and that is no small thing to be grateful for. I guess I would rather have a child on my own in a loving home, making all the decisions that influence how my baby grows up, than have my child live in a divided and angry household. (This is not to say that all divorces are terrible; I know that some couples do a great job at keeping things loving for their children.)

Anyway, I know that being an SMC isn't "the dream" we were all sold when we were growing up. But in some ways, it could be better than that dream...if we choose to believe that it can be and we decide to be happy with and embrace our path wholeheartedly. Just because you can't have a chocolate ice cream cone doesn't mean the vanilla one isn't surprisingly tasty and delightful! And sometimes, it may be just what we wanted, even though we didn't know it.

Acupuncture & Oriental Medicine - TMI Alert!

2010-07-13T15:17:00.000-07:00

[Yes, there is some TMI at the end of this post...of a sexual nature! Read on if you feel you won't be scarred for life.]

So as some of you know, I have been looking into acupuncture and Chinese medicine. It's something I'd read about in my background reading before getting started on this process, but I wanted to see how things went on their own before trying anything "additional." After all, my numbers were all good, and so were Drew's.

Lo and behold, I got pregnant on our first attempt! Granted, that first attempt was three days in a row, perfectly timed with ovulation, and using Instead cups for a little extra help (potentially).

But then I had an early miscarriage, at about 4.5 weeks. The doc chalked it up to a genetic abnormality, and that's probably what it was. Reading on, I learned that of women who have one miscarriage, only 2.5% have a second one. Another statistic in our favor. So yes, we're both healthy, my cycle is regular, and chances are good that we can have a baby without too much trouble.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, though, was that niggling doubt. The one that said, What if the problem is that my cycle is too short? 25 days is on the shorter side, considering the average is 28. I'd learned about LPD (luteal phase defect)...did I have that? Maybe I wasn't making a thick enough lining or producing enough progesterone to maintain a pregnancy. Sure, one miscarriage is not necessarily an indication of any of that, but do I want to really want to have more than one miscarriage before doing something about it...if my cycle could potentially be the problem?

Many of the books I'd read told of how women used acupuncture and Oriental medicine to regulate their cycles. So, I decided that, even though I might not really need such intervention, I would like to include it in my TTC plans in order to bring my body into its best health possible to be able to sustain a pregnancy. I have read several anecdotal stories in which women lengthened both their cycles and their menstruation, and I have a feeling that this may be what I need to do. My menstruation has always been brief...usually just two days (and sometimes a third with spotting), and it does make sense that if there isn't much blood coming out, the lining must not be very thick. Possibly not thick enough to support an embryo.

Sure, I could get all of this stuff checked out medically, but that just doesn't seem like me. I try to do things as naturally as possible, and I'm comfortable relying on time-tested alternatives, rather than cutting-edge medical technologies. Plus, the medical route is a helluva lot more expensive, and I won't deny that that's a large consideration.

Anyhoo, I've had three sessions now, one with an acupuncturist I wasn't very impressed by, and one with a practitioner who has turned out to be amazing! I don't know what it is about this man, but I just absolutely feel that I can trust his care 100%. It helps that he confirmed (through his own diagnosis, without my suggesting anything) many of the symptoms, etc., that I've been reading about, so that was reassuring. But what really impressed me was that he spent more than an hour with me in order to reach that diagnosis, even before the acupuncture session (another 25 minutes), AND he knocked almost a quarter of the price off the session after he found out I'd be paying out of pocket. I just know it--this man is one of the good guys.

He still ain't cheap (particularly when I've also decided to purchase the herbal supplements he recommended...he doesn't make money on them, I checked the prices online), but one $70 session a week for 2 months or so seems like a very good investment to me if it has the potential to bring my body to a greater level of fertility. (For anyone who's curious, the herbs, in pill form, have cost $180 for about a six-week supply.)

Our plan is to work together for at least two months, during which I'll have a weekly acupuncture session and also follow the course of herbs. (For my diagnosis, google Kidney Yin Deficiency and you'll find the usual symptoms.) After the miscarriage, I do feel that my body needs time to get back to normal, and I also think that I'm not ready mentally to try again just yet. It has surprised me how much wind the miscarriage has taken out of my sails, both mentally and physically. I've been lethargic, fatigued, apathetic...no doubt a bit depressed. So, I am going to take this hiatus from TTC in order to regain my joy and become more well-rested. (That should be helped along greatly by the 10-day silent retreat I'll be taking in August...can't wait; I really need it right now.) Drew and I will try again either at the end of August, or we will wait until mid-September. I want to see how my next two cycles go: whether they will lengthen and my period will be heavier. It's really fascinating to me, and I'm eager to find out what the results will be.

The acupuncture itself has been fine. I can truthfully say that I like it. Dr. T. uses not only needles, but also electrical stimulation to increase/speed up the effect, since I told him I do not want to wait *too* long before TTC again, due to my age. (He also recommended the wham-bam herbs for the most potency, which I accepted. In addition, he offered a much cheaper regimen that would have required 6 months to achieve full effects, which I declined.) Our goals were to increase blood flow to the pelvis and uterus, to restore balance to my energy system overall, and to help calm my mind and alleviate my chronic insomnia.

The first day I had acupuncture with him, I slept better that night than I had in weeks. I can also say that I instantly (after both sessions) felt a difference in my pelvic area. Tissues felt more engorged, pulsing, and, well, (how does one put this delicately?) juicy.

But for one effect I am about to tell you, there is no way to put it politely. The weekend after my first session with Dr. T, I experienced a change in my sexual function. (It's about to get graphic, so skip ahead two paragraphs if TMI bothers you!) For the first time in my life, and after 15 months of dating Mr. Charming (more than enough time for us to get to know each other intimately), we were both surprised to discover that I...squirted during orgasm. Multiple times. Hell, I didn't even know I could do that! He was just as astonished as I was, as he's never experienced such a phenomenon either. SO, it could be complete coincidence and for some reason we just hit all the right buttons this time...BUT, I'm more inclined to wonder whether the acupuncture and herbs are what really brought on this change. Who knows, maybe even the miscarriage contributed to it somehow, by changing my body internally.

Being me, I had to tell my acupuncturist about it (I'm insatiably curious about how things work). He said it was definitely a good sign, and that tissues are filling with more fluid--a healthy change and moving in the right direction. He also said he has heard similar admissions from other patients...that they now get "wetter" during sex. SO, in case you were wondering whether acupuncture has any real effects, I'm going to give it a tentative Yes for now. Still waiting to see how my cycle might change (and also whether this sexual development was a one-time phenomenon...unfortunately Mr. Charming is out of town on business this week so we can't find out just yet).

OK, must sign off now. This is the longest post ever.

Questions, comments, observations?

Sign, Sign, Everywhere Signs...

2010-07-03T09:41:00.001-07:00

So the signs from the Universe seem to continue.

It's been one week since my m/c, but I still continue to receive signs about fertility and upcoming changes in my life. (You may recall the elaborate dream I posted last month about a bear in the forest...) Here are the latest entries.

Two nights ago, a dream: I was baking banana bread, and was on the 4th loaf. The 3rd loaf had just come out, and it was finished. Now I was waiting as the 4th loaf was in the oven. I should mention that I was very happy in this dream, and my feelings were positive and looking forward eagerly to the moment when the 4th loaf would finish. This may not seem like much of a sign to anyone else, but it was very strange for me. I have never dreamed about baking, to my recollection, and I don't really bake in everyday life (though I do cook, I never bake). Turning to Ye Olde Dream Dictionary, I find that dreaming of baking symbolizes "fertility and creation." Of course, there is the pun of "a bun in the oven," and I do think dreams often play with puns as part of the message. Should I even go into the fact that it was BANANA bread? Dream dictionary names the banana as a phallic symbol, of course: "feelings/attitudes about a male, maleness, the male sexual organ, or sexual expereicnes with a male." Coincidence that I am baking a symbol for the male sexual organ in my own loaf of bread, in my own oven? And of course, just the fact that it was a fruit bread, rather than a normal loaf of bread, suggests "ripeness, abundance, fertility, a projects that is bearing fruit. It's related to the egg because at its center is the seed of the future." The only thing that puzzles me in this dream is the number four (four loaves of bread). To me, the 3rd loaf is easy to identify...the baby I was carrying that is now no longer in the oven, so to speak. What about loaves 1 and 2? I have no idea. The dream dictionary does not shed much specific light on 4, except for a few possible interpretations: "four often marks the beginning of a new cycle in your creative energy; four is a sign of the growth of consciousness or the striving toward wholeness; four may represent feminine aspects/needs."

OK, so I know you now all think I'm nuts for paying this much attention to my dreams. ;)

2nd sign this week: I went to a spirituality fellowship circle last night, during which the leader (a healer and psychic) did a personal reading for everyone. She has never met me before and knew nothing except my name. She said she saw August as very significant for me; there would be a big shift in my life; a shift in my household. She asked me if I was moving (I'm not, but Mr. Charming is), and when I said I was not moving, she said that perhaps then someone was moving in with me. (Could it be a baby?) I did acknowledge then that I was looking for a roommate to help with childcare. I am also supposed to attend a 10-day meditation retreat in August, so perhaps the shift could relate to that. Anyway, August could be the lucky month that I become pregnant...I sure hope so!

Signing off for now. Should get some actual work done while here at the computer, lol...

Known Donor, the Debate Continues

2010-07-03T09:22:00.000-07:00

Hi, all. This post is in response to a mention of me in Hopeful's blog.

Known donor (KD) is such a tough question. I really struggled with this...for years, actually. When Drew and I broke up, I asked him *then* if he might be a donor for me someday, and it took more than three years of thinking on my part to decide, yes, it was a viable option.

I agree with the comments Hopeful received that I would never trust the future of my baby to someone I did not know very well. Drew and I have had a relationship since 2004, three years of that living together, so I am pretty confident I know his personality and that we will be able to work together if anything comes up. The thing is, and I think this is something that many SMCs with KDs don't consider, I actually care about Drew's feelings and happiness. I want life to bring him wonderful things, and I want him to be happy. In choosing him as a donor, part of my motivation is knowing that I will bring a richer life experience not only to myself and my baby, but to him.

So, while you can't read your potential donor's mind, put yourself in his shoes and do a visualization. Imagine you are him, and the baby momma starts outlining all the ways in which you (he) might be excluded from the child's life. How do you think you (he) would react? Think his thoughts, if you can. Since he offered up the idea of a woman "hosting" his baby, it sounds to me like he would want to be actively involved. If this is not what you want, best to forget about it right now.

My best advice is to make the list of pros and cons, and see how they weigh out. If you are still undecided after that, do meet with him and begin a series of frank discussions. Good luck, and keep us posted!

As for me, it has been a week since my m/c. I think I am due to ovulate in the next 2-3 days. I am *really* tempted to give it a go with Drew again, but my gut tells me I should wait out the cycle, as my doctor advised. I am still feeling some funkiness in the left abdominal region, which I think could be leftover ovarian activity, still clearing up from the pregnancy, so it seems best to wait this one out, even though I'm anxious to try again.

Sad...bleeding :(

2010-06-27T13:06:00.000-07:00

TMI warning, this will get just a little bit graphic.

It appears that my joy at a BFP is to be short-lived. I started spotting on Friday as I was heading out of town for the weekend, and soon enough it turned into heavy bleeding with sharp abdominal pains. The bleeding has continued all weekend (though thankfully the pains were short in duration), much like a normal period. Yes, there has been clotting. I also no longer feel the localized area of dull pressure in my left abdomen, where I believe implantation had occurred. The sensation is gone.

It seems pretty likely that I have had a miscarriage. I suppose there is a possibility that it could have been a ruptured ovarian cyst (I had one 13 years ago, lots of blood), but all the signs seem like a pretty straightforward m/c. I will call my doctor in the morning and no doubt go in for another test. I was actually spotting when I saw her on Friday, and she said that if a m/c happens this early, it is usually due to genetic problems and there is really nothing that can be done about the situation. I have read that before, and feel she gave me the appropriate advice.

I feel sad and a little numb. I am glad I had a trip this weekend to keep my mind off it. I guess I will try to keep myself busy this week until I know for sure whether I've lost the baby and will need to try again. I can't say I'm truly surprised; lots of women (esp. older ones) have a m/c, often with the first pregnancy, plus I did find it worrisome that I wasn't getting positive test results at home. I still wonder if I had an eptopic pregnancy. I'm not sure I'll be able to find out...an ultrasound might not pick anything up at this point. I'll see what the doctor says tomorrow. If I get another blood test, I'll get results on Tuesday.

Although I'm sad, I am also happy to know that I was able to get pregnant, and that Drew seems to be a viable donor. I am hopeful that, even if this baby has been lost, with the same good cycle timing and practices, we can look forward to another BFP at some time in the future.

BF... (drum roll please)

2010-06-24T11:42:00.000-07:00

P!

Despite yet ANOTHER negative home test this morning, the doctor's office called with the results of yesterday's blood test, and yes, indeed, I am PREGNANT!

Holy cow, I can't believe we got so lucky in the first month we decided to try! I'm so glad we started then, even though I had to cut short a family visit so the timing wasn't the greatest. I really wanted to at least have a *chance* of being pregnant before turning 39 (one little week before turning 39, lol), but I'm so thrilled it has really happened! Provided all goes well, I will have the baby before I turn 40! I can't stop using exclamation points! LOL...

On a more serious note, I am so relieved I wasn't imagining my symptoms. Four negative tests can really make you question whether you are losing your mind. ;)

Thanks to everyone who reminded me to hang in there and that it's not over until the fat lady (AF) sings. NOW TO GO FREAK OUT SOME MORE AND START MAKING ALL KINDS OF CRAZY TO-DO LISTS!!!!!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!

5 days late, still BFN...could that be...hope?

2010-06-22T07:46:00.000-07:00

I am actually beginning to believe I really could be PG. I am never this late, plus I have zero signs of impending AF. I have noticed more and more blue veins on my hips, and had a dull, prolonged ache in my breasts last night...not to mention insomnia until 5am.

I will go to the doctor's office sometime before the end of the week to have a blood test done. If I wait until Thursday, AF will be a full week late. Guess I should go research now how long you should wait to have a blood test. I don't want to go to early and get a false negative.

So, in short, I guess I am allowing myself to believe just a tiny bit that I *could* be pregnant. I think I've been trying to be skeptical because I haven't wanted to be disappointed. I will keep you all updated, of course. :) Thanks for all your support. No congrats yet, ok? Just keep yer fingers crossed for me.

Test #3

2010-06-20T13:48:00.000-07:00

Two days late, still a BFN, little evidence of AF anywhere in sight, besides a backache. As of tomorrow, I will equal the longest cycle I have had thus far since I've been recording in the last year and a half or so (28 days). After that, I will feel quite late indeed. My usual cycle is 25, and it rarely goes beyond 26.

Just keeping y'all updated.

Test #2, still a BFN

2010-06-18T02:47:00.000-07:00

Well, folks, AF is due today and it is still a BFN. I know, it's not over till she knocks on the door and shows herself in, but I'm not holding my breath. My hormones seem to be pretty reliable, so the fact that none are showing up yet (Hcg) is not promising, IMO.

I am prepared to be disappointed. I suppose it would have been a lot to hope for to get lucky on the first try. To be honest, the part that bothers me the most is that I will need to pay Drew another visit. The only person I want to be sleeping with right now is Mr. Charming. :( I'm also kind of bummed I won't get to send Drew a Happy Father's Day text to break the news...that would've been fun.

What is most curious to me is WTF did these "symptoms" come from? Seriously, blue veins on my breasts and hips came out of nowhere in the last 2-3 days, and then there is the distinct, pinpointed feeling I have in the left abdomen. Could it be possible that what I'm feeling is the corpus luteum in action? That seems unlikely to me.

Sigh. I will update again when AF arrives or other news presents itself.

BFN

2010-06-15T06:22:00.000-07:00

I caved, and my result is a BFN (3 days before AF is due). My first HPT ever, so there's another one to chalk up to life experience. I feel strangely ambivalent. Well, 3-4 more days until AF and then we start over, this time tracking BBT.

Jesus H! All signs point to...???

2010-06-14T06:55:00.000-07:00

OK, I know that women in the 2WW often IMAGINE signs that they are pregnant, but in addition to my physical symptoms, it seems to me that the world is trying to tell me something, too.

Let's start with the simple physical symptoms.

1. Dull ache/pressure in the left abdomen, centered on one specific point, which has been with me for 3-4 days now (about 6-7 dpo is when it started). This is different from the usual pains I might feel in the week before my period (which is due on Saturday).

2. Never-before-experienced breast sensations, including tingling/itching and small, sudden stabbing pains. These symptoms only happened about three times, also around 6-7 dpo.

3. General feeling of fullness in the abdomen and reproductive area; gassy, a bit bloated...again, not usual symptoms for me. I feel full all the time...but still want to eat constantly.

But those symptoms are FAR less interesting than what the world has been placing in my path in the last week.

4. Received a gift from a friend on Friday...a set of "happiness" cards, like tarot cards. I did a blind pull and then an "oracle" reading. The blind pull (just picking a card from the deck with no question or intention behind it) was this:

The Guardian King of the East. His time is dawn, and the element he guards is Water. He is seen playing gentle music on his lute, which soothes the angry mind and brings calm to the world.

Dawn? Could that be, say, the "birth" of a new day? Water, you say? As in, "my water broke"? This was a crazy draw to me (crazy amazing), telling me I need to be calm and surround myself with gentleness in order to nurture the process of pregnancy and birth.

Then there was the oracle reading, where you think of a question and pull a card. The question I had in mind was "Am I pregnant?" Pretty simple, right? Well how about THIS for a card in response:

The Offering. "You have the ability to put yourself forward for acceptance or rejection, showing a readiness to engage with life." This card shows a gentleman offering himself and his wealth to the young lady who's the object of his affections. She's surrounded by flowers, symbols of her openness and fertility.

I ask "Am I pregnant?" and in response, the card I draw says I am "ready to engage in life"...wow! Could the gentleman offering himself be Drew, and could his "wealth" (pictured on the card as precious jewels in a chest) be the seed of life? (issuing forth, even, from the "family jewels"?) Not to mention the flowers in bloom (am I, too, in bloom?), symbols of "fertility." Really, could there be a card that speaks more clearly to my situation? The question is, does it imply that I am pregnant, or just that I am ready and/or on the right path toward reaching that destination?

5. I had a reiki session on Saturday, after which the practitioner (a friend, who does not know I'm trying, and in fact may have thought the opposite, since I told her my period was due on Saturday), said she felt some twinges on the left side of my abdomen. This was 7dpo, and as I noted above, I had already begun experiencing sensations in that area. Had I begun the implantation process, which my friend could sense as the nascent embryo burrowing into the wall of my uterus?

6. Last night I had a dream. (I put at least some stock in dreams, and often think about what their meanings could be for my life.) In this dream, I was in a lush forest when suddenly, stealthily a bear wandered into my view. I was partially hidden from its view by a large, stout, straight-trunked tree, that I ducked behind, hoping the bear would pass. The bear began to slowly circle this tree, as if calmly "chasing" me. While I felt the thrill of fear that I might be caught by the bear, I remained calm and crept in a circle around the tree, always on the opposite side, just out of its sight, eluding any danger. The bear wandered off and disappeared into a small, square wooden door, almost like a trap door to a hidden room. (Yeah, I know, a door in the woods? I don't remember there being any building structures to which this door was attached, either, just enough wall surrounding it to allow it to stand, then open forest on all sides.) Then, my younger brother appeared, approaching through the forest from a different direction, with his three children. I told him I often came to the forest to rest and think, and we had a pleasant, casual conversation that I can't recall. Both a couch and a bed had appeared (both pink), as if a little bit of home was materializing in the forest. At different points, I leaned over the back of the couch to prop myself up, and I lay down on the bed on my stomach, all while talking to my brother.

OK, so I'm not going to go into a huge interpretation on all of that, which would take quite a while, but let me focus on the bear. First of all, I have never dreamed of a bear. Here is what my dream dictionary has to say:

Because they hibernate, bears can symbolize cycles; birth/death/awakening motif; your own cyclic activity ability...Mythologically, bears represent mothering--the archetype of the Great Bear. In Greek mythology, the bear is associated with Artemis, goddess of the moon and woods (fertility and the unconscious), and was associated with the Virgin Mary in medieval writings.

Seriously? A bear? I have to say, I am a little bit floored. Yes, we all read into things and find signs when we are looking, but this many signs pointing to fertility and new life/birth? Can it be coincidence, or is the universe telling me that yes, in fact, I am pregnant and now beginning the initiation into one of life's greatest journeys? As with the card readings, though, such a dream could merely symbolize that I am engaged with the process, not necessarily that I am pregnant. Especially since I was eluding the bear...makes you ask yourself if you have a few unresolved questions about it all, doesn't it? Well, who doesn't have unresolved questions or fears about such a process, right? lol...

I have to admit that despite all of these could-be signs, I am not convinced that I am pregnant. My pelvis still feels pretty much exactly like it would the week before any normal period, including (very mild) vaginal contractions, with the exception of the dull ache, which is different. I have read that sometimes pregnancy can feel exactly the same as normal PMS, but somehow, it just seems like I should feel more different than I do if I were pregnant.

OK, better stop now. Thanks for reading, and please post comments if you have any thoughts about any of the above "signs" or information!

Am I imagining things? Help, please.

2010-06-09T09:40:00.000-07:00

So as any woman does during the 2WW, I find myself going inside my own body to explore any feelings or sensations that might be indicative of a pending pregnancy. I really have to ask myself, though, if I'm imagining things or if my body is really feeling different? Here is what I'm feeling, as best I can describe (sorry for graphic detail, if that bothers anyone).

--Feeling of engorgement throughout the tissues of the reproductive area, especially the vagina. Things feel swollen, moist, and warm (internally...not doing any external/invasive checks). I feel like there is increased blood flow to the area. Not sure if that means anything, though...I have always been particularly "amorous" the week before AF is due (which is June 18), so maybe things are just building up to that. However, I don't think I've usually noticed this feeling of engorgement. Maybe that's just it: I've never noticed it before (which doesn't mean I didn't have it).

--Prolonged, dull pressure in the left abdominal area, where I imagine the ovary/fallopian tube are located. Pretty sure I ovulated from the left this time...I get distinct ovulation pains and have done so for years. What I feel now differs from those pains, which come quickly, are easy to identify, and then are gone within a day or two. I've felt this pressure (wouldn't call it pain, but possibly discomfort) in the left area for the last 2 days or so, and it is ongoing. This is unusual for me, and it doesn't feel like the usual premenstrual cramps I might have, either. I'd like to imagine it's a fertilized egg moving down the tubes, but could you really feel that? And anyhoo, it doesn't really seem to be moving, but staying in one place. Surely it wouldn't be an egg already in the uterus? I would assume that type of feeling (implantation) would be more toward the center of my body. This sensation is occurring about halfway between my hip bone and belly button.

Can anyone lend any insight? If it will help, these are the specifics:

Typical cycle length: 25 days (very regular; prob 75% of the time it's 25)
Ovulation this month: probably between cycle day 12/13
Current day of cycle: 17
Intercourse: cycle days 10, 11, 12 (the three days before expected ovulation; it was the best we could work out in terms of timing...he lives in another city)

My understanding is that implantation wouldn't occur for at least 6 days after ovulation, and possibly as long as 10 or more. Any comments?

Thanks, all...

I don't feel any different...

2010-06-06T06:32:00.001-07:00

It has been two days since Drew and I finished attempt #1, and I don't feel any different. I think I always imagined I would "know right away" if I were pregnant, but so far, I can find no evidence of anything unusual. Yes, it is too early to know anything, I am aware. I will just have to keep going about my business and waiting.

Any of you experience early signs of pregnancy? What were they?

Spent yesterday afternoon at a baby shower. I know it's ironic, but I've never really liked them. I'm just not a fan of girly things and squealing "oooh, it's so cute!" Even knowing that it could be me sometime in the next year, I could not find it very exciting to see gift bag after gift bag stuffed full of burp cloths and receiving blankets. I guess that's just not what it's about for me. I'd far rather have a pack of diapers or a contribution to the college fund than something with duckies and bunnies on it. Call me crazy. Still, it is nice to know one's friends and family are excited for the event. I will certainly look forward to that, should I have the good fortune for it to be my turn someday.

Doin' The Deed

2010-06-03T12:30:00.000-07:00

Oh, the awkwardness of having sexual relations with someone who is no longer a lover but now just a friend. And yet, somehow we managed. Twice. Probably have a third go at tomorrow it just for good measure.

So here I am, in my first Two Week Wait. Let life bring what it may...

AMH test results

2010-05-26T07:24:00.000-07:00

After yet another long wait, my results are in: "normal." The specific number was 0.9, which I guess is on the lower end of normal. Any insight on this?

My CMV test was also negative, so if I do end up needed a donor at some point, that's good to know.

My Known Donor's Answer...at Last.

2010-05-19T09:58:00.000-07:00

I know you've all been waiting with baited breath to find out whether my known donor would be on board or not.

This morning, I sent Drew an email saying that I had a donor picked out and was planning to order by Friday if he wasn't sure this was the right path for him.

Two hours later, I get a call. It's Drew.

He said...

...

...yes.

Yes! OMG, I think I'm going to throw up. Now what?! It's so mind-blowing to think about going through this with someone I know...and equally mind-blowing to think about going the anonymous route. I am so nervous to think about getting started, either way. I have felt in my heart for many months now that I would much rather have a known donor, but even with the answer I was hoping for, I'm still so nervous. And excited, of course! I just need to step back for a while and let it sink in.

I think I am a bit in shock...I halfway expected him to say no. He was very reassuring on the phone, though. He is sure that having a child will bring more happiness to his life, no matter how far away he might end up living. That was a big concern of mine. He is a dear friend, and I wouldn't want him to do anything that might make him unhappy down the line. To know he will be happier no matter what makes me feel relieved and like this is the right decision for both of us.

Now, it's just two short weeks until we get started...OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aaaaa!!!!!!! Freaking out here just a little!!!!!! (In a good way, lol...)

Wish us luck!

Oh, and one question for all you experienced ladies. Any recommendations on ovulation prediction? I am quite regular and have used an OPK for the last 2 months. Surge was detected at pretty much the predicted time (I use online tracking for my cycles). Is there ANY reason I should really need to buy a monitor? I am tempted to do so just because it reduces paranoia and gives a feeling of control, but considering I'm regular, is it really useful or just something to make myself feel better? Thanks for your input. I'm considering the CBE and the Ovacue.

One good thing about the known donor/old-fashioned method...the swimmers will live longer than in an IUI, so slightly more flexibility with the timing!!!!!!

Drew's Test Results --Grrrr!!!!

2010-05-13T08:19:00.000-07:00

So as it turns out, the lab did the wrong tests on him. Apparently they did the "vasectomy" test, rather than one that focuses on count, motility, etc. Sigh. All we know that his sperm is "normal" (whatever that means) and his pH is slightly high. He will have to retest now, which means more waiting.

We spoke this morning and I told him that I really was hoping to know this week whether he was on board, because if he isn't, I only have 2-3 weeks to choose a donor (which, as you know, is a lot of information to sift through). We're going to talk about it in person tonight or tomorrow, as he'll be back in town for two days. He did say that he felt this was definitely an "opportunity" for him, as he might not otherwise have children. His main concern seems to be what will happen if his company transfers him far away. It seems that he is struggling with the idea that he might not be able to see the child very much. I'm not sure if that's because he would feel the responsibility to be present as a role model for the child (guilt--negative reason), or if it's because he would actually want to play more of a Dad role (attachment--positive reason). We'll hash that out when we talk in person.

Yes, I know this throws up the "known donor" red flags for some women. I, however, take his reactions as a positive thing. For me, it would be the ideal to have Drew at least somewhat regularly involved. I would gladly travel (if he is transferred) so they could visit, and would even consider moving at some point if it seemed like a good thing to do for the child. My current home, neighborhood, and school system are ideal, though, plus my support system is here, so moving would be only a distant option for me, at least for the baby/toddler years when I will need the most help. It would definitely have to be the right place. (I'll be honest, I've always wanted to move somewhere warmer anyway.)

I'm sure this sounds like crazy talk, but it actually isn't. I've moved more times than I can count, and I like getting to know new places. I'm a wanderer at heart, so I don't see moving as out of the question, if that's something that Drew and I wanted to work out for co-parenting reasons. I guess we will see how the talk goes...

Testing, Round Three (?)

2010-05-06T11:53:00.000-07:00

Starting to lose track of the rounds of testing, LOL. These are the tests I had done Saturday (after much ado about trying to get my OBGYN to approve them), which was day 3 of my cycle, the optimal day for testing.

FSH - 6.4 - "good" (less than 6 is "excellent;" previous reading was 4.3 in the luteal phase)
Estradiol (E2) - 74 - within the normal range (at the higher end, but still normal)
TSH - 1.72 - mid-range normal

So, all is well! This soon-to-be 39-year-old is looking healthy in terms of the baby-making facilities. Today I also had blood drawn for an AMH test (yes, Hera :) as one last indicator to check, as well as a CMV test. If Drew decides to opt out, I'll want to know my CMV status in order to chose a donor.

And that's it for now! I'm very happy with the results. :)

Drew makes some progress

2010-05-06T07:51:00.000-07:00

Spoke with Drew yesterday and he finally went to the clinic to provide a sample. Results should be ready by next Tuesday or so. That means he's going to have to make a decision soon. I am not quite on pins and needles waiting to know what he decides, but I do admit that I'm at least a little anxious to know The Final Answer. If he decides against it in the end, I'm going to need to do some scrambling to choose a donor. Maybe I should go ahead and get the paperwork underway, just in case...probably a good idea.

It is now less than one month until my potential first attempt--eek! I'm still excited and nervous, just like everyone else who goes through this process. Today I have my annual exam with Dr. D (my OBGYN), after a cancellation last week due to Aunt Flo. Should get back my test results from over the weekend (FSH, TSH, and E2). May also request a CMV test and an AMH test. I have no idea if she would be able to do a follicle count, etc. Guess I will find out!

That's it for now. Not too exciting, but I thought I'd journal the steps along the way anyhow. :)

Testing, Round Two

2010-05-01T11:10:00.000-07:00

Went in for a short round of testing this morning on CD3...FSH (2nd test), E2 (Estradiol), and TSH. What a PITA it was to get my OBGYN to order the tests for me at the lab. A short summary of the conversation with the nurse at the office:

[after calling on Thursday to ask to have the test ordered; after being told they would have to consult with the doctor; after calling on Friday morning to ask whether it was going to happen, because I would need to have the tests done on Saturday; ignored; called again just before closing, imploring someone to please return my call; and finally, this was the conversation:]

Nurse: Dr. D says that you should wait to have the tests done at your annual [scheduled for later this week].

Me: But today is day 3 of my cycle, and my understanding is that this is the best day to draw blood to get accurate results for the tests I want to have done.

Nurse: But Dr. D wants to consult with you first before ordering the tests.

Me: But I've already had a prepregancy consult with Dr. D, just two weeks ago, and we discussed having these tests done. I'd really like to get them done tomorrow, since the timing is right. I'm not sure what else is left to discuss.

Nurse: Well, the doc said I can order the tests if you really want them, but she'd still prefer to have the consult first.

Me: Well in that case, please order the tests for tomorrow.

WHY is it that we have to be so pushy sometimes to take care of our own health concerns? Grr...but at least they ordered the tests and I'll have the results in time for my exam on Thursday. I don't see what the problem is so long as I am willing to pay for the tests if need be. She may think they are unnecessary, but me, I'd like to have all the information up front, rather than wasting six months (and possibly a lot of money) trying before figuring out something is actually wrong.

It is getting down to the wire for me in terms of "time to start officially trying." I will have one last cycle before trying, during which I'll be using the CBEFM to check my ovulation. After AF comes and goes, my first opportunity to try should be in the first week of June...predicted ovulation date as of now, June 3. So the countdown is on! Whether I end up trying with Drew or with an anonymous donor, I don't know yet. I'm hoping he got to the lab last week and will get his results soon...and then will make a decision. Either way, I should know in just a few short weeks which way I'm going to go.

Excitement...
Nervousness...
Hee... :)

The Known Donor & Ramifications

2010-04-27T04:59:00.000-07:00

I have many times been asked/warned about the legal ramifications of using a known donor (particularly if we decide to go the old-fashioned route).

I am definitely aware of the ramifications, but in my case, I would actually be OK if Drew wanted an equal role in the parenting. He is a best friend and I have known him for about 6 years (of which 4 of them we dated/lived together). I trust him completely and know that we can work anything out. If the time comes where we have disagreements on what to do, then so be it. But he is already expecting to move (possibly out of state) at year's end, so may not be much of a factor in the child's life at all. And I have also informed him that I may move, too, so he is set up with the expectation that it could happen.

All along, he has said that he can't be responsible financially or really be much involved in the child's life b/c he may be moving (and because he is not that financially solvent). I have let him know, though, that I am happy to allow him to play as much a role in the child's life as he wishes to have. He is a truly good man, and could be nothing but a good influence on a child, so I have no qualms about inviting him to share our lives, should he wish to do so. He is not a drama person and is also very laid-back; in all the years, we've never had one argument, even while breaking up. We have been able to honestly talk out anything.

Anyhoo, the point is that YES, I know there are risks to having a known donor. However, it is still the preferred option for me. If I can, I want to provide my child with the knowledge of his/her father and his family, from health history to heritage. If, in the end, Drew decides against it, I will go the anonymous route.

Thanks, all, for your input and cautions.

The Cat's Out of the Bag

2010-04-26T09:13:00.000-07:00

So I revealed my baby plans to Mr. Charming last night. Needless to say, he was surprised, but very supportive. I told him of my conversations with Drew, and also the backup plan of finding an anonymous donor if necessary. Wow, I get a twinge of nervous excitement just thinking about it. AF is due this week, so after she comes and goes, I should have one more round of tracking my ovulation before giving it a first attempt around June 1. I used an OPK last cycle, but now I have the CBE monitor, so I'll start with that instead.

It is going to be such a strange transitional time in the next few months...Mr. Charming will be moving away, and I don't plan to maintain the relationship. While he has been a lot of fun to date, he has definitely proven that he is a poor candidate for long-term, so I need to start learning how to let him go. It will be a sad process, but in a way, I can also see how it will be healthy for me to be free of his presence. He is a magnetizing man, and as such, I've been drawn to him. But I think that now we have learned from each other all we can, and that moving on to the next phase of life is what will be best for me.

And then there's Drew. If he says yes, there are the logistics to consider. Do we just have sex, or do we use the ol' syringe method? Sex was always A-OK between us when we were a couple (3+ years ago), so I'm considering it. It might be awkward at first, but it also could help me break ties with Mr. Charming. What can I say, sex on a regular basis is important to me; if I can have a regular partner, I do, so Drew could help me out in that way. I'm not worried about becoming emotionally entangled with Drew again; we are beyond that. But I wonder if I can have sex with someone I'm not physically drawn to anymore...can we work up a spark again? That chemistry dried up as we weaned ourselves away from each other post-breakup. I suppose it would be more detached if we used an insemination kit, but...well, did I mention I like sex? LOL... So, I guess I'll just have to wait and see what he decides than then burn that bridge when we come to it.

Unexpected News on the Mr. Charming Front

2010-04-19T17:10:00.000-07:00

He's moving. :( His company is going to transfer him to a city several states away (8+ hours by car), so we will no longer be seeing as much of each other as we have for the past year. We see each other twice a week or so now (often more), but after he moves, he will only return here for work sporadically. He may be here as much as three months out of the year (divided into many trips), but still, it's not going to be the same as living in the same town. Sigh. I must admit I cried when he told me, even though I knew he could be transferred (it's been in discussion for a few weeks).

I don't know what this will mean for our relationship (will it last or will it peter out?), but it did cause me to delay telling him about my own plans until I know more about when he will move, etc. I am also still waiting to get results from Drew, who had his initial doctor's consultation last week and is trying to follow up this week with the lab for a semen analysis. Once I know Drew's results and he makes a final decision, I will figure out how to discuss it with Mr. Charming.

And no, Mr. Charming made no mention of my moving with him. (I didn't expect him to.) I guess it's just another reminder from the universe to focus on myself and my own desires in life rather than hitching my star to some man's wagon. Right, girls? ("Oh yeah, right.")

Woohoo!

2010-04-08T12:34:00.000-07:00

Test results are FINALLY back, and they seem very good. My FSH level was 4.3...that's really good for a 38-year-old, right? Although, the blood was drawn mid-cycle, rather than on CD3, as is recommended. Do you think that makes a big difference?

So angsty!!!

2010-04-07T19:06:00.001-07:00

Apparently I am just really disturbed today and need somewhere to pour out my emotions. Mr. Charming came over this evening, and we had such a wonderful time. He makes me laugh, he makes me giggle, he makes me feel cherished and like I have his complete attention...while he's around. It is bittersweet to me to have such wonderful times with him. What will happen when I tell him about my plan to conceive? It makes me sad to think that he might say goodbye; that to have a baby I might have to give up this wonderful man who brings so much joy and laughter to my life. It makes me sad.

No hating on Mr. Charming, ok? He is innocent in this. Told me from day 1 that he does not want children, and I had also thought until recently that perhaps I didn't really, either. He will certainly be surprised, perhaps shocked, when I tell him the news. But I won't be able to blame him for whatever reaction he has, even if he decides we should call it quits. He has been totally open from the beginning that he does not want to be a daddy at this point in his life, and I respect and accept that. Certainly, I hope that we can continue to see each other, though obviously things would change if/when I became pregnant and after the baby. But it would be nice to still have someone to snuggle with and have fun with...and maybe even get to tell about all the excitement of a new baby. I know we will be friends no matter what--he is a dear, dear friend--but still, I can't help but wonder what that "what" might be. Sigh.

Angst, angst, angst...!!!

Still waiting...

2010-04-07T08:08:00.001-07:00

Well, I had my prepregnancy consult with my OBGYN (Dr. D) on March 25 and I am STILL waiting for the results of the bloodwork (HSG levels, etc.). I was supposed to hear back within 3-5 days, so this delay in response is really just pissing me off. After my marginally disturbing consult with Doctor D, and now this (not to mention a history of being kept waiting forever when I go to her office), I have come to the conclusion that I don't care much for Doctor D.

So, to be proactive, I am going to see another doctor (a GP) for a consultation, and if I end up having IUIs, it will mostly likely be with her. Dr. B was recommended by a friend who had IUIs with her, and my friend says she is wonderful. Plus, she only charges $50 for IUIs, unlike the $250 the OBGYN would charge. So, if I need IUIs, Dr. B will be my go-to, and then I'll return to Dr. D for prenatal care, should I be lucky enough to become pregnant.

In other news, I heard back from Drew this morning and he has finally scheduled an appointment at the doctor. I think it is just a general physical, and then they will refer him to a lab to have his swimmers checked out. I'm not sure how long the process will take, but his appointment is next week, so I am hopeful that we could have his results within a reasonable time frame. I'm hoping to start in May, but there's no rule that says I have to. I guess I just wanted to give it one try at least before I turn 39 in June. Drew is still on the fence about being a donor, but I totally understand that. I only asked him a few weeks ago, maybe a month at most, and it's not like he's been sitting around and thinking about it for years, like I have (off and on). Here is my current time frame:

Week of May 7: ovulation due. If Drew has definitely decided no, or if his test results are not good, the plan is to have an IUI during this week. If Drew has decided yes and has good results, we will need to wait until the next cycle b/c he will be out of town at this time.

Week of June 1: ovulation due. First attempt with Drew, or 2nd IUI. Or maybe first IUI if I chicken out earlier in the month. ;-)

I am really getting nervous about all of this. I know I have what it takes to be an SMC, but at the same time, am I *sure* this is what I want? I think so...but it's still a big, frightening leap. I guess I just have to have faith that I'm approaching this with the right motivation and for the right reasons. Sometime I may outline those reasons in another post, but for now, signing off. I think I have enough to think about without continuing to ruminate on this for the day. ;-)

Marriage (or Lack Thereof)

2010-03-29T12:02:00.000-07:00

Today my thoughts are on marriage and how it has (not) played a role in getting me to where I am at this point in my life. In order to address this, I'll need to take you back a few years, briefly.

2004, age 33/34, start dating "Drew" (my potential donor). Within the first few months, we have a talk about the marriage/kids track. He's on board. I even mentioned a timeline ("I'll be pretty nervous if I don't have kids by the time I'm 37.") He's still on board. Drew moves in after about 6 months.

2007, age 36/37, discussion reveals that Drew is not sure I'm "the one" and that he just may not be cut out for marriage, in the end. (No need to hate, sometimes people truly just don't know what they'll want in the future.) We end amicably, he moves out. We have a tapering off period of about 6 months during which we wean ourselves off co-dependency. We remain close friends thereafter and still enjoy each other's company.

Fast-forward to today. After actively dating for about 2 years, I meet the guy I'm currently seeing. (We've been dating for not quite a year now.) I knew from the outset that he did not want to marry or have children, but due to the wonderful person he is, I decided to date him anyway. We have a marvelous time together and are great friends, and it's a helluva lot better than being lonely. Let's call him "Mr. Charming." (I plan to discuss Mr. Charming as little as possible on this blog, but he does arise as a factor in my life and in this journey.)

Which brings me to my thoughts on marriage. After having seen so many people marry and divorce amongst my circle of acquaintances, I am beginning to accept the idea that maybe I've dodged a bullet thus far, rather than having "missed out" on some "quintessential" life experience. This doesn't mean that I will never marry, but I have to admit that when I scrutinize my life compared to others I know, I feel fortunate to have lived the way I have thus far. I am beginning to get comfortable with the idea that life as a single actually *can* be as good as married life, if not better in many ways (and worse in others). So for now, I will continue to apply my zen-ish "whatever happens, happens" attitude and just wait to see what life throws my way.

And no, I haven't made Mr. Charming aware of my SMC musings. Considering I plan to start trying on Memorial Day weekend if possible, I guess I'm going to have to bite the bullet on that conversation sooner or later. It may mean the end of my snuggly sidekick...and that's something that I'm ready to accept if it happens. Given my druthers, I'd be happy to keep seeing him throughout it all. Time shall tell.

Preconception Consultation

2010-03-25T12:14:00.000-07:00

Well, just got back from the OBGYN & my pre-pregnancy consultation. Things went fine, though I could tell my doc was a little surprised at my non-married state and my plans to use a known-donor ("Drew"). It seems that they have not had this situation yet at her practice (there are 4 OBGYNs there, I believe), so she wasn't sure of all the ramifications. (They have done many anonymous inseminations, however.) She seemed somewhat troubled about what they would do if my donor was on hand to provide a fresh sample for IUI ("It's always been a partner situation when we've done that before..."). Not that she was necessarily objecting or discouraging; she was just thrown a bit of a curve ball she was unprepared for. I think her main concerns were the legal ramifications more than anything (rather than any moral judgment on the matter).

I'm sure I could seek out a practice that is accustomed to my situation, but I'm not worried about it. I've been with this doc for many years and have always liked her. I feel fine about it & confident that she'll be supportive.

I have also been forming a new plan regarding the donor. Assuming I'm okay and he's okay, I'd like to "try" beginning in May, at least until the end of the year: six solid months of do-it-yourself at home (we haven't discussed the logistics on that one yet...). Meanwhile, before May, I would ask him to provide a sample to a sperm bank as a "designated donor" (known donor). My understanding is that the clinic would give him an HIV test then and put the sample in the deep-freeze for a six-month quarantine. After six months (conveniently, that would be the end of the year), he would be retested for HIV. If negative, I could then use the samples for IUI at the doctor's office.

This could work out well, as it is possible that Drew will be moving in the new year anyway, due to a work transfer. I would still have his samples here to use if needed, and if we got lucky and didn't need them after all (due to an at-home pregnancy), then I could keep the samples for the future if I wanted to have a second child. (I do *not* anticipate that, given my moderate finances. But hey, you never know, right?) Moreover, by having the doctor use the sample in an IUI, that eliminates any legal grey area. From what I've read, regulations in this state say that if performed by a doctor, that makes the donor simply that: a donor, rather than a parent. Legally. While I'm confident Drew and I could always work out any sticky situation or difference of opinion, having the legal matters be black and white also has its appealing side.

So anyhow, there you have it. First step is out of the way! After speaking with Drew this morning, he is still thinking about it, but has agreed to go ahead and get a semen analysis to make sure his swimmers are up to the task. We shall see what happens from here on out. :) Either way (with Drew or with an anonymous donor), I feel fine with both choices. They both have pros and cons, and I think things will work out for the best. They always seem to when I just trust the Universe to take care of the details. :)

How long will this confidence last?

2010-03-21T20:41:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling pretty confident recently about my decision to move forward on this path. I'm excited for my appointment this week with my gyno about where I stand in terms of general health/fertility, so that must mean I'm going in the right direction. But how long will this confidence last? I change my mind as often as the wind changes directions. Still, I've been thinking about this for years, and that has never changed. I guess I have to just have faith in myself that following my gut, as I've always done, is the right way to go. I make a decision and execute. That's just what I do. It's never steered me wrong yet, so we'll see how it goes this time around.

I also feel pretty confident about my desire to have my friend "Drew" as the donor. I would like to imagine that he will be on board with the idea. I'll give him a few more days before I call to talk with him again and see what his thoughts are. I think initially, he really liked the idea, but I'm sure as he thinks more about it, he may balk or decide it could make life too complicated. I wouldn't judge him for that, but I think I would be a bit disappointed, because I see him as an ideal donor given our past relationship and current close friendship. He would likely be involved at least somewhat with the child, and I would be glad to have his family be involved, too. I don't need for him or any of them to be involved, but I would be content if they were. Good people, and family means a lot to them.

Anyway, I already feel set on my course, so if Drew can't give a confident "yes," I will go ahead with an anonymous (open) donor. Knowing that I plan to do so may influence his choice, as it does create a deadline for him. Assuming I am healthy and get the go-ahead, I plan to start trying no later than the end of May. Given what I've been tracking on my ovulation calendar, Memorial Day weekend may be the date...just before my 39th birthday.

Late Night...

2010-03-19T16:13:00.001-07:00

Having a hard time concentrating today because I stayed up last night until 4am reading "In Her Own Sweet Time" by Rachel Lehmann-Haupt. Well-written and so easy to read, the pages just keep turning themselves. Probably what is most interesting about the book is how the author has captured so many moments I've already been through myself over the years...especially when it comes to capturing the true douchebaggery of many modern men when it comes to relationships. As I read, I just want to squeeze these idiots by the neck until their eyes bulge, all the while yelling at them, "Grow the fuck up, you morons! You've got a great woman here and you're acting like a three-year-old!"

The second book I'm reading (I like to read multiple books consecutively) is "Single by Chance, Mothers by Choice," by Rosanna Hertz. So far, the most informative book I've read, packed to the gills with real-life scenarios and helpful references to organizations, websites, and other books. Reading about many of these women is eerie in that it's like holding up a mirror to myself--shining a light on my own mental progression and wranglings of the last few years. I have also found myself pausing to think about what it would be like to have my mother read this book, and telling her "That's just the way it is today" and "Yes, that's how women behave now." Mostly referencing casual sex, there, as the author frankly discusses how some women use one-night stands as a means of baby-making. I'm pretty sure such stories would make her take comfort in the choices she made for her own life (finding a good man and staying at home to raise the kids, forgoing a life more inclined toward independence and personal choice, as my own has been).

"Don't you feel sorry for me," she once told me. "I made my choices and I'm happy with what I've got. I did well for myself, much better than many women did."

And she's right. A litter of kids, a brood of grandkids, and a 50+ year marriage. Yet it isn't a life I could imagine having lived myself, in this day and age, being born when I was. I would not be the same without the opportunities I've had to grow, travel, and stretch my own boundaries. While I sometimes feel that a life without a child would mean that I'd missed the most important opportunity for personal growth, I also can't imagine feeling satisfied with my life and myself without having done everything I've done up until this point. It often seems to me that having a child is the last great experience I want to have in this life in order to feel completely fulfilled. And that's a good place to be, I think.

I think again about the book, and my mother. I think she would be appalled if she knew the extent of my modernity. You know, that whole sex thing. Not that she thinks I'm a virgin, mind you. She knows I've been with a few guys. I'll just leave it at that, and hope it's a conversation that never surfaces. I'm comfortable with my own sexual history, but then again, I think more liberally than most members of my family.

Baby Time Bomb, Take One

2010-03-18T19:50:00.001-07:00

And so it begins.

It's the oldest story in the modern-life book. Single white female, late 30s, clock ticking. Fuck.

I've never been one of those women who slavered over newborns like a slobbering St. Bernard. I've always--no, really--I've always felt like, Babies? Take 'em or leave 'em. And I guess I thought I would keep feeling that way forever, but that's not how things have turned out. You know you might have some unresolved issues when a friend gets pregnant and your first thought is, "Bitch." Believe me, that reaction surprised me, too. I think that's when I finally admitted that I may have been fooling myself for the last few years when I imagined that I wouldn't feel I'd missed out on anything if I didn't have children. I guess I was too busy enjoying my independence and kicking up my heels to stop and look Medusa in the face...because I knew if I did, she would stop me dead in my tracks.

So here I am, 38 years old (39 in just a few months), realizing that it's time. The Baby Time Bomb has gone off, and I don't think there will be any turning back from here.

Today I took my first real step: I solicited a donor. I know, big step! But I'm not messing around here. Once I make up my mind to do something, I do it.

"Drew" is someone I used to date, and we've remained good friends in the years since we broke up. After a prolonged lunch at my place (formerly his place, too) in which we caught up on all the gossip of family and friends we no longer had in common, I broached the subject. "...and I'm thinking of becoming a single mom." (matter-of-factly; surely, he must have sensed my nervousness) "I wondered if you might be interested in helping me out with, um, you know." (with trepidation) "I know that when we broke up, you said you might be willing to do that." I hurriedly (casually, I hoped) blurted out my preference for a known-donor, as the lingo goes, but also that I wasn't entirely convinced that was the way to go, because after all, men have a biological clock, too. (Drew looked disturbed, as if this were information he had never heard before; I think it probably was.) "...and after the age of 35, sperm have a much higher chance of producing, you know, genetic abnormalities and stuff." (I'd read that online earlier this morning...damn, a whole new f*cking can of worms I'd never even dreamed could be a possibility. Now I really do have some research to do.)

I knew that, as a 40-ish bachelor, Drew might be game for being a donor, but even I was surprised at his positive reaction. "Hmmmm," he smiled, eyes alight as if slightly in wonder. "Interesting." Our relationship had always been an amiable one, and Drew's a real mensch: the kind of guy who wants to help out in whatever way he can. He's also a loving uncle and fantastic with kids--maybe because he's still kind of a kid himself (in that "work hard, play harder" way of aging 80s high-school jocks who still think they can play games of pick-up without hobbling in pain for the next three days). So the long and short of it is, he's going to think about it, and I'm going to call him next week to see how the idea is sitting.

"I don't plan to take too long before I make a decision, though," I advised with a note of speak-now-or-forever-hold-your-penis. I know he can take a long time to make decisions, and I don't have a long time. My plans are already in place. If Drew says no, it's the sperm-bank for me.

Don't think I haven't given it more thought than this introductory post may imply. In fact, I have a long history of waffling on the issue, and I've already got my "pre-pregnancy consultation" scheduled for next week with my gyno. I've had heart-to-hearts with a girlfriend who tried IUI and who is now going down the path of adoption. I've had "oh, well" conversations with multiple girlfriends in their early 40s who have now (reluctantly, it sometimes seems to me) accepted that "their lives are better without children" or "they just weren't meant to have children." I have spent quality time with my nieces and nephews, on one occasion being the sole caretaker of a precocious two-year-old for a full week all by my lonesome. And I've even carried (and let lapse) the maternity rider on my health insurance for more than a year. (I'm self-employed, so I buy my own health insurance. But that's a freak-out for a whole nother post.)

So really, I've thought it out. Really, I have. But that doesn't make it any less scary, now does it?